14 Kids? Do you really think you can judge??

"What would possess a family where's there's a husband and wife to want 12 kids or 18 kids? That's just what they feel is meaningful to them. Their family. Expanding a family. It's an amazing thing. I do believe that children are all blessings from god. And I feel it's all positive, it's positive experience. You know, I don't like to dwell on any of the negative. And - a lot of people do." - Nadya Suleman

When the story broke that a woman in Southern California gave birth to octuplets I was amazed. I couldn't imagine carrying 2 little babies in my belly, let alone 8. I was tired enough with just little 6lb 13oz Soluna sucking my nutrients and energy for 9 months. When the media started to dig a little deeper they learned that Nadya Suleman already had 6 children, that she was a single mother, a woman of color and had no steady income. She was using student loans, disability and food stamps to provide for her little ones. The world shook its head, sounded a few "tsk"s and started to wag its finger at her. How dare she? ... right!?

I reserved judgement and sat on this story for a few weeks before blogging more. But after watching last night's interview on NBC, I am so mad and it's not at mama. Now don't think I full-heartedly advocate for people to make the choices she has made. I'm not sure about her mental stability. I don't believe in in vitro fertilization where more than 3 embryos are placed in a mamas womb and, if they all take, can lead to an unsafe number of babies and the recommendation to abort a few children (or as they say "selectively reduce"). And, I think in our pop-culture right now, babies are "in" and mamas are jumpin' on the fad without second thought. Brangelina are doing it, why not you?

But her choices are her choices and the universe has a way of finding balance and teaching lessons for all those to hear. What really gets me mad are the questions raised by Ann Curry, another woman of color, and what it tells about our society's assumptions about being a good mother.

A few of the Questions:
"People are not trying to judge you... What they're trying to do is, it seems, trying to speak up for your children, who can't speak up for themselves. Your children cannot say, 'What are you doing, Mom? What are you doing? My life, my future, is being affected by your decision.'"
"But how is it not selfish to bring children in the world that you cannot actually afford?"
"Some people feel that it is a problem if you are a single mother because there isn't a father. And children need a father"

Assumption #1: Unmarried/unattached women should not be moms. They need a breadwinner, preferably a male one.
Assumption #2: Moms should not go to school or use their student loans to pay for taking care of their children. They should find a job.
Assumption #3: Moms have no right to public aid to help take care of their children. They should do it on their own! Freeloaders!
Assumption #4: Moms should voluntarily abort embryos to make it "safer."
Assumption #5: If poor people can't afford children, they shouldn't have them.

I feel like I could write a whole thesis on this. I know that this list of assumptions don't give this discussion justice, but I just don't have the time to go into more details. I'm just saying, think twice before you judge another mama. Becoming a mama and the number of children you wish to have is such a spiritual and personal choice and we have no reason to judge from the sidelines. It is not too uncommon to have huge families with lots of children. Poor people have the right to raise children and, often, they do it better than rich people.

home sweet home

I am sad to write that last Friday our house was broken into. It didn't come as some major surprise. Our next door neighbors house was recently broken into and we had heard that a few neighbors on the street behind us and other neighbors down the block have had similar experiences. Two youth have teamed up to scout out the neighborhood, during the day while they probably should be in school. We luckily have great neighbors who have warned everyone about these incidents. One neighbor actually saw a kid riding in circles in front of our house and then, realizing he was about to break in, called the cops immediately. The cops rolled 7 squad cars deep and were there within 2 minutes of the call. The kids barely had a chance to steal anything, but did take the pocket watch I gave Ben as our wedding present and some piggy-bank change. They also threw a bunch of things around. We are very lucky and grateful.

A neighbor also alerted us to something that happened on our block: a drug bust. A BIG drug bust. As much as I love living in Oakland, when things like this happen... I always have to wonder if it's time to move. About a year ago, a young man was killed in his car about half a block down. A few months ago, we came home to a big DOJ truck in front of our house and, apparently, one of the rented units was a storage space for meth-making equipment.

worst toy of the year??

I am dreading the day that Soluna writes up her Christmas Wish List and a Bradtz Doll makes the top 5. Will she ask for a party in theme with the newest Disney movie? Will she see a TV commercial for fast food and ask to go over and over and over again until I take her?

I stumbled across an online vote for the worst toy of the year at Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood. Seems like an interesting organization.

My personal favorite worst toy:

What if your daughter wanted to dress like that??

working mama

Since the beginning of December, I have been juggling two jobs, working over 40 hours a week from home, while taking care of Soluna almost full-time. To say the least, I am exhausted.

Last night, Ben decided to take Soluna to a Super Bowl party so she could hang with her cousin Cheo. I had a rare opportunity to just chat and do arts and crafts with some friends celebrating their birthdays. All was good and fun, until I headed home and Ben said Soluna was near a meltdown. By the time I got home she was fast asleep, but Ben still looked a little distraught. She had been crying inconsolably for at least half an hour.

She woke up screaming an hour later. On all other days I just climb into bed with her, breastfeed and she gets lulled back to sleep. Last night was the total opposite. She basically screamed with her face all red and reached out for her papi. While I am happy that she is connecting with him more, it made me a little sad. She was mad at me in the only way a baby can be mad. She leaned on her papi in comfort and stared at me, distant. Earlier, I wasn't there when she needed me. Eventually, he passed her to me and I snuggled in bed with her and breastfed. She fell asleep and lay peaceful in my arms.

I have been so busy lately. Even though I spend time with her we are running from place to place. It's time to relax a little more and plan a little better. Luckily, one of my part-time jobs is just seasonal and is over in about a week. I don't know how full-time mamas can do it. I can't imagine going back to full-time work at this point. I wonder when it'll feel right or if it will ever.

I can't give enough praise to the amazing mamas that work long hours to come home to care for their families and maintain such a strong bond with their children.

Soluna 5

It's been awhile since I shared some of the great milestones Soluna has made. So here are the top 5 exciting things Soluna can do. Okay top 5 mama brags.

1. Soluna can say "abuela." Benji swears she has a great accent. She's been saying a whole lot of things lately like mama, papa, num-num (for drinking milk, she made that up herself), lala for lola (some people says she says lolo and abuelo too but I haven't heard it) aqua, etc.

2. Soluna repeats after me. We've been telling her to say things here and there. And, sometimes she repeats after us. She's said things that sound like umbrella, I love you, hippo... So fun! Gotta watch our potty mouth though.

3. Soluna can stand. Okay, she's been standing for a while now, but she does it with so much sense of accomplishment. When I say "hands up" she throws her hands up and looks around. Then she sits her booty back down.

4. Soluna can sip from a cup by herself. Yes, she can do a sippy cup. But she can also just take a little ikea plastic cup with water and drink it herself.

5. Soluna can feed herself. She's always been eating on her own, but lately she's been getting so much better with her utensils. It's awesome.

Family in Vallejo? -- Visit Children's Wonderland

These sunny winter days are getting a little scary. I mean, I could have worn shorts and flip-flops to the park today. Soluna and I went to celebrate her cousin Erica's 2nd Birthday at Children's Wonderland in Vallejo. We have had family living in Vallejo for YEARS and had never even heard of this park. It is the perfect place for tots and Soluna loved it. There are different themed play areas: sand pit with dinosaurs, tea party slide, swing sets, traditional playground, train playground and firetruck area. Soluna personally loved the sand pit, she got to watch the older kids build forts to stop the running water. She jumped right in and was a dirty mess! But she was so happy.

Other things to know: free street parking. lots of picnic tables. $2 for admission but free for babies under 2. would be a great place to have a birthday party!
I forgot my camera, but my cousin said she would email me them. So pics to come!

Proof: Dirt don't hurt!

(A picture from a few months ago of Soluna playing at the park with hella dirt on her face and clothes!)

I am not the kind of mama that keeps her baby clean with sanitizer, wet wipes and the constant taking away of things and experiences to avoid the grime. I put clean clothes on Soluna, wash her hands at transitional points during the day, give her a bath at least every other day and carry around a wipe for her nose or face whenever it's needed. But I will let her PLAY in dirt, in sand, on grass... practically anywhere. I let her pick up things, even when they might go in her mouth. I take things away once they are in there, but I want her to explore, be curious, and experiment. I think the constant taking away and fear of germs on mama's part can hinder that playful and smart baby spirit.

Apparently dirt does more for babies than mamas and papas think. There was a recent article in the New York Times entitled "Babies Know: A Little Dirt is Good for You." The article talks about how all instinctive behaviors have an evolutionary advantage built in. There is a "hygiene hypothesis" being studied by researchers that claims that organisms like bacteria, viruses and worms that enter the body along with dirt helps to develop a healthy immune system. Researchers are even going so far as saying that worms redirect an out of wack immune system that has allergies, asthma or an autoimmune disorder. The early exposure to dirt helps babies immune systems learn to react. In ultra-clean environments, babies immune systems don't have the opportunity to learn to react appropriately. Dirt for thought.

Chicken Pox parties?

There was one thing I failed to mention about Soluna's 1 year appointment.

Don't call CPS on me, but when the Dr. told me to go straight to the 11th floor after our appointment to get Soluna the 4 scheduled vaccinations, I didn't do it. Instead we went downstairs, paid for parking, got into my car and headed home. I am not that hippie mama who decides her kid needs no vaccinations, but I got nervous and a little scared. Since Soluna was born, I felt this need to make things as natural as possible. In earlier blog posts I write about wanting to buy organic, choosing not to wear deodorant, and just saying "no" to formula. Vaccinations are just another unnatural thing that they tell us are good for our children, but just doesn't feel right to me.

Soluna is due for 4 vaccinations. Well it's 4 shots, 6 vaccinations: Mumps/Measles/Rubella, Hepatitis A, Flu and Chicken Pox. It's the last two that made me raise my eyebrows and sent me home to ask my husband what he thought about it first. We both had the flu plenty of times and know that we both had the chicken pox, but hardly even remember it. Why are we vaccinating ourselves for sicknesses that, for the most part, aren't so serious that generations of people just dealt with? Apparently, I am not the only one who questions this.

In a recent article in the New York Post explores the world of mamas who forgo some vaccinations and decide to have chicken pox parties to expose their kids to another sick kid. Kids fight off the chicken pox and gain good old-fashioned lifetime immunity.

What it boils down to is that, folks that trust "the system" are fine with vaccinations. They stay on schedule and don't think twice. But, when you come from a family and community that has often been screwed over by "the system" you start to question things and, often, aren't given good enough answers to ease your worries. Soluna has and will get vaccinations, because I know about some of the possible public health ramifications. But chicken pox and the flu? Are they really necessary?

How do you make muddy water clear?

Today, I began my first session of a 5-week Beginning Meditation class entitled "Coming Into the Movement, Coming Home to Ourselves" at the East Bay Meditation Center in downtown Oakland.

The past year of motherhood has gone by so fast. I am lucky to get 5 minutes to myself to just sit and think or not think and breathe intentionally. I am always doing, or doing nothing. But all the time I am running so fast and it feels that my real self needs to catch up. There have been struggles emotionally and physically. And motherhood, although 10xs better than I thought it would be, is completely different than I expected. I did not anticipate that my life and perspective would be this way.

I believe in chance. And in all this struggle a few months ago a good friend moved up to the bay for just a few weeks and when we reconnected she told me about a people of color meditation night at the center. I went with her and although I wasn't able to go back it left me an impression of wanting or needing more. My life has something missing whether it is faith, practice or philosophy, I am not sure, but I am open to finding out what it is. I started getting emails from the EBMC and learned of this Beginning Class and felt I owed it to myself to carve in the time during my week to be open to new things.

After today's class, the woman next to me asked "So?" And I said, "I'm in the right place." She replied, "Yes, right time, right place."

How do you make muddy waters clear? ... Lately I have felt my life like muddy waters. Nothing dirty, just imagine a muddy tilapia pond in the Philippines.

To make muddy waters clear, you just let it sit. It is the stirring and movement that makes it muddy.

I have no expecations, but my intention is to take full advantage of this opportunity for myself and for my family. My intention is to let myself sit and seek clearer waters even if it's just for a moment.

he's not just a regular President...

he's a cool President.

(Obama dancing at the Youth Ball.)