Mama Sanity in and Insane World

With Soluna, it took me 6 months after her birth to really start writing. So I forgive myself for waiting so long to really write about Macario. These past months have been a struggle.

One thing that "my birth as a mother" taught me was to trust my instincts, to believe in myself as a mama. This, I believe, is the biggest challenge of any mama... if you choose to accept it.

After Macario was born and I became a mama x two, everyone asks, "Are thing easier the 2nd time around?" Well, "Yes and No." I no longer spend my wee hours of the night worry about whether or not Macario is getting enough breast milk. I don't panic when he cries. I can read him a little easier. But, balancing my attention and my time between two kids is a crazy challenge. I am so tired, more tired then I have ever been and am doing more/holding more than I ever have in my life in my work, in my home and in my community. And there is a serious sense of urgency in all pieces of the work I hold. Because our kids deserve a good mom, a better education, a better world... mamas gotta do what they gotta do to hold things down.

The reality of it is that this has lead to lots of mama anxiety and because of my work in environmental justice/environmental health, I have really focused my anxiety on toxics. F'real. I use to think I was the opposite of a germ-a-phobe. I may now have become a toxic-a-phobe. Angela tells me that in the scale of phobias, toxics is better than germs. I believe her, just because somehow this makes me feel better about myself. hah.

It is actually a very long story about how this toxic-phobia has played out over the past 6 months... starting with a Moms conference on toxics, leading to some major changes in our lives, creating serious disruption, pushing me to therapy... and there have been some major realizations along the way. Anyhow, all of this cannot be shared in one post and I will try to stagger some of my findings in the next few weeks.... But ultimately, what I have learned is that it's hard to be a sane mama in an insane world. And along with this, it is hard to raise a healthy family in an unhealthy world.

Sigh. And so I begin to write again...

I wish...

I wish I could hold the sweetest moments of mamahood forever. As we sleep 4 in a full size bed I see Soluna and Macario are asleep and holding hands. Peaceful, safe. Sometimes I forget to breathe in these moments, to let the love and contentment of my life wash over me. Sometimes the only things I feel are fear or anxiety, for all the things in the world that are not the way they should be and that I cannot control. I wish I could protect them from it all, but I am only human.

Big sister! Big belly! Big butt butt!

Soluna loves to say she is the "Big sister! Big Belly! Big Butt Butt!" She is smothering little Macario with love which I would choose any day over big siblings that are jealous or semi-violent to their family's new addition. You don't have to see Soluna smothering, this picture tells the story!!

Welcome to the world, Macario!

On January 5, 2011 at 6:22PM, I gave birth to our son Macario. He is named after my mom's father (who I call Tatang). He was a hardworking farmer and family man. Tatang took care of me throughout my childhood and was my favorite person in the world. While our little Macario may not look too much like him, I hope that he will have the same commitment that Tatang had to our community, family and earth.


Labor for little Macario was crazy and fast. I decided to have a natural birth, as I had planned for Soluna, but this time went to the Sacred Birth Place in Oakland to be assisted by midwives. Between contractions I was completely lucid and I remember passionately thinking to myself, "NEVER AGAIN! Remember this moment. NEVER AGAIN! It hurts! Don't ever get pregnant again." We'll see what happens.

Macario was 9 pounds 2 ounces. He practically slipped out of me to be caught by the careful hands of his papa. He is beautiful. I don't know what to do with a little boy, but I'll learn.

Homebirth

This Monday, when I turned 35 weeks pregnant, Ben and I made a major decision. We decided to have a homebirth. Technically, it's a homebirth, but it'll actually happen at a Birth Center with a midwife that is not a doctor or nurse. We had considered it earlier on in pregnancy, but with finances so tight, I felt it would be the best decision to just have a doula at Kaiser. But, it didn't feel right.

So we had our first appointment with the women at the Sacred Birth Place yesterday. The meeting was 2.5 hours long, longer than ALL the time I have spent with my OBGYN since the beginning of my pregnancy. They asked so many questions about my health, sexuality, my fears, my previous labor, etc. She explained how they were going to do an examination to determine the shape of my pelvis to gain a better idea of what obstacles the baby might have on his/her way out. Who does this anymore?!? It was nice to know that the women doing my prenatal care are also going to be at my labor, something that does not happen at Kaiser. And, Soluna was free to play around with one of the midwives' sons and together they jumped on the bed where I was being examined and "helped." Things feel so much better and I feel even more ready to bring this baby into the world.

the light that fills the world

I think over again my small adventures, my fears.
These small ones that seemed so big.
For all the vital things I had to get and to reach.
And yet there is only one great thing.
The only thing.
To live to see the great day that dawns.
And the light that fills the world."
- Old Inuit song spoken

A little something on this week's episode of True Blood.

do you remember?

Mamas definitely have selective memory. As I barely survive my 1st Trimester with baby #2, I am only remembering now how hard my pregnancy with Soluna was. I imagine mamas were made to forget how crazy sick we get during pregnancy and the pain of labor, so that we continue to have more children. Honestly, I feel horrible. I can't wait until I feel like myself again. I hope that is sometime during this pregnancy and not after our little one is born. I think I was sick for the first 6 months of my pregnancy with Soluna.

No Worries

"No worries. It's okay, mama. I'm here." These are the words I hear from my little 2 year old when I am frantically looking for my keys, when I mention that my stomach hurts, or when someone cuts me off on the freeway and I can barely hold back a few curse words. Sometimes she says these things when I haven't even said anything. I just look a little flustered. I am reminded at how this little one came from me and while we are no longer connected physically via umbilical cord, we are still very much connected.

I'm gonna stare you down!

Soluna attended her second soccer class this week at Mosswood Park and afterwards we took her to the parks playground so she could run out any energy she had left. There were two kids playing in this one area of the playground and Soluna ran toward them ready to play there too. A little boy, a few years older than her, stopped her and said, "No babies allowed" and shut an imaginary door on her. Soluna did not cry. She did not run to mom and dad. Actually, she didn't say a word. She stood her ground and stared him down with the face of a girl who means business. We watched her from afar. It was a good amount of time that she just looked at him... until he unlocked the imaginary door and said, "Okay, babies allowed!"

I would love to know what was being said in her inner-monologue, if she has one yet. But now you know... don't mess with Ms. Soluna. My little girl is learning to defend herself, such an important trait. Next time someone tells me something I don't want to hear, I'm gonna do a Soluna.

"You need new su-sus!"

There is some bittersweet about weaning Soluna. After 2.5 years of breastfeeding, I really believe that she is physically and emotionally healthier and smarter then she would have been without all of mama's milk, time and comfort.

After getting pregnant a few months ago, my body just did not feel right with a toddler at my breast. I was feeling drained, my nipples were sore. I always use to say, "breastfeeding is for the lazy mom like me." Breastfeeding was magic on a crazy day. All I had to do was sit down, hold Soluna in my arms and put her to my breast. She wad eat, sleep, find comfort. But as a pregnant mama, breastfeeding is no longer for the lazy. My body felt more tired, more drained and it was not right for the little one growing inside.

So I started cutting down her breastfeeding time. I told her that I was feeling tired and she was growing up. I explained it was time for her to have less "su-su" (as she calls it). In a few weeks, at night I took her off my breast when she was still awake and had her fall asleep on her. I distracted her from breastfeeding during the day or in the morning. There was a little resistance, but she was ready. She eventually stopped asking for it for a few days and my milk just quickly dried up. No engorgement. She eventually did ask for milk and I hesitantly put her to my breast and asked, "Is there milk?" She exclaimed, "YOU NEED NEW SU-SUs, MAMA!" She also proceeded to ask for a glass of milk, not to drink, but that she though I needed to put my susu into to get milk. What a great idea! I told her that I didn't need new susus, that she had drank all the milk and was a little girl now. I have her a high-five and a big hug.

She still asks for susu and sometimes when she is sleeping, she leans over to grab a nipple. There is something so bittersweet in my baby becoming a little girl. Our relationship is evolving and she is learning to be her own person.