write the truth ... speak the truth

I had initially created my blog for myself. Then I sent the link to my closest friends (and left it in un-chartered internet space). It had been a place for me to share, often vent, all the crazy things that had been happening and all the raw emotions I had been feeling after giving birth. It was healing space. And it was personal. It is interesting what you can put up for the whole world to see (if they can find it), but you wouldn’t want your mom to read… or anyone else very close to you. Sometimes my blog has to do with family members, usually grandparents. Because, grandparents can play an interesting role as they begin to “claim” their grandchildren and your wishes become less of a priority or a non-priority and their ideas of how children should be raised come into play.

A few weeks after getting my blog started, maybe even days after I started my blog, Ben asked if it would be okay to add my blog to his email signature. Ben's reason for sharing my blog was that he liked my writing and thought it should be shared for other mamas. Without thinking it through, I agreed. Shorty after, I added my blog to my Gmail chat away message. I didn’t realize the ramifications of such actions. And then my readership expanded. I know, because I pasted in a Google Analytics counter that can tell me how many people look at my page and where they come from. Then I realized my readership included my sister-in-laws, some old co-workers, some random mamas that I met after Soluna was born… and my writing started to change. I started to be careful about my words, about who I was talking about, about where I was going with things. And my blog stopped being as raw, as healing or as needed for me.

Anyhow, all this pre-writing ... I am challenging myself, regardless of who is reading, to write the raw truth and to move forward as a mama because of how I truly feel. This isn't just truth for truth's sake. I have been passive-agressive about some things as a mama and it's about time that I come out and say things (beyond just this blog) so that this blog isn't just to vent, but to do and to heal. Me, a mama learning as she goes...