why kids? why now?

A friend of mine asked me a few months back if we could have a discussion on "Why kids? Why now?" He's a fresh youth organizer here in Oakland in a long-term co-habitative relationship, almost 30, and is kind of feeling out this topic.

At the time, it was shortly after Soluna was born and all my mama emotions were on high. I told him the truth. At the time we decided to take a "wait and see"-attitude about pregnancy, we just felt that it could be the right time, that we could be ready to be parents. We were not trying to not be parents. We did very little research. We had no long, drawn out conversations. It just felt right. We left it to fate. And in three months, we were pregnant.

Since my friend asked me this question I've thought about "Why kids? Why now?" a ton. For the most part my friends are nowhere near having kids. And in the past months, I have thought for a minute... Am I missing out on something? Are my parents right and "have kids, and your life is over!"?

Holding Soluna, listening to her giggle and laugh, I know that all these questions seem simple and easy to me in retrospect of actually having a baby.

WHY KIDS? They bring you joy. They make you learn and grow.

WHY NOW? Why not? There will always be advantages and disadvantages of having kids at different ages. When it feels right.. go for it and make it work.

AM I MISSING OUT ON SOMETHING? Probably something, but folks not having kids are missing something too.

IS LIFE OVER? Hell no. That's old school thinking. So much more of life is ahead.

Of course, none of these questions can be answered so easily without having your baby in your arms. Having a baby is always a leap of faith. There is no universal formula for when you should have a baby, why you should have a baby, how much you should be making, how educated you should be, what kind of relationship you should be in... that would be too easy.

At mama/baby yoga classes and at mainstream mama/baby spots in Berkeley and Oakland, I am usually one of the "young" mamas. YES in some communities a 28 year old - almost 29 year old - woman is a young mama. In Ben's family, I seem to be the older first-time mama. It's all good. It's all different.

Now seemed just right for. I've lived enough to know how to take care of myself and live alone, how to handle my finances and pay my bills. I've lived enough to not yearn for time away, time to lose control, time to be selfish. I've travelled alone and with friends, had my mini-adventures and took a lot of pictures to remember. I have gone out all night dancing, drinking, listening to good music... And when it comes down to it I don't feel like I need to escape motherhood. I am more interested in experiencing things with Soluna, taking her to community events, to the mall, to listen to music, to play at the park. And that brings me joy and new adventures.

Once it happens, there is no going back to ponder such questions with regret. Maybe my response is sprinkled with that optimism, but it's my reality and truth as a mama.

Soluna is 11 months old!


What strikes me after re-reading my post is that I have skipped over some much needed critique about some mainstream ideas about when is the right time to have kids. I'll be getting to that later.