I am so glad that they will always have each other.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Mama Sanity in and Insane World
With Soluna, it took me 6 months after her birth to really start writing. So I forgive myself for waiting so long to really write about Macario. These past months have been a struggle.
One thing that "my birth as a mother" taught me was to trust my instincts, to believe in myself as a mama. This, I believe, is the biggest challenge of any mama... if you choose to accept it.
After Macario was born and I became a mama x two, everyone asks, "Are thing easier the 2nd time around?" Well, "Yes and No." I no longer spend my wee hours of the night worry about whether or not Macario is getting enough breast milk. I don't panic when he cries. I can read him a little easier. But, balancing my attention and my time between two kids is a crazy challenge. I am so tired, more tired then I have ever been and am doing more/holding more than I ever have in my life in my work, in my home and in my community. And there is a serious sense of urgency in all pieces of the work I hold. Because our kids deserve a good mom, a better education, a better world... mamas gotta do what they gotta do to hold things down.
The reality of it is that this has lead to lots of mama anxiety and because of my work in environmental justice/environmental health, I have really focused my anxiety on toxics. F'real. I use to think I was the opposite of a germ-a-phobe. I may now have become a toxic-a-phobe. Angela tells me that in the scale of phobias, toxics is better than germs. I believe her, just because somehow this makes me feel better about myself. hah.
It is actually a very long story about how this toxic-phobia has played out over the past 6 months... starting with a Moms conference on toxics, leading to some major changes in our lives, creating serious disruption, pushing me to therapy... and there have been some major realizations along the way. Anyhow, all of this cannot be shared in one post and I will try to stagger some of my findings in the next few weeks.... But ultimately, what I have learned is that it's hard to be a sane mama in an insane world. And along with this, it is hard to raise a healthy family in an unhealthy world.
Sigh. And so I begin to write again...
One thing that "my birth as a mother" taught me was to trust my instincts, to believe in myself as a mama. This, I believe, is the biggest challenge of any mama... if you choose to accept it.
After Macario was born and I became a mama x two, everyone asks, "Are thing easier the 2nd time around?" Well, "Yes and No." I no longer spend my wee hours of the night worry about whether or not Macario is getting enough breast milk. I don't panic when he cries. I can read him a little easier. But, balancing my attention and my time between two kids is a crazy challenge. I am so tired, more tired then I have ever been and am doing more/holding more than I ever have in my life in my work, in my home and in my community. And there is a serious sense of urgency in all pieces of the work I hold. Because our kids deserve a good mom, a better education, a better world... mamas gotta do what they gotta do to hold things down.
The reality of it is that this has lead to lots of mama anxiety and because of my work in environmental justice/environmental health, I have really focused my anxiety on toxics. F'real. I use to think I was the opposite of a germ-a-phobe. I may now have become a toxic-a-phobe. Angela tells me that in the scale of phobias, toxics is better than germs. I believe her, just because somehow this makes me feel better about myself. hah.
It is actually a very long story about how this toxic-phobia has played out over the past 6 months... starting with a Moms conference on toxics, leading to some major changes in our lives, creating serious disruption, pushing me to therapy... and there have been some major realizations along the way. Anyhow, all of this cannot be shared in one post and I will try to stagger some of my findings in the next few weeks.... But ultimately, what I have learned is that it's hard to be a sane mama in an insane world. And along with this, it is hard to raise a healthy family in an unhealthy world.
Sigh. And so I begin to write again...
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