pac-girl!

I wanted to share this recent picture of me and little Luna. We are ready for the Pacquiao vs. De La Hoya fight. Note: Check her little homemade pac-girl shirt made an hour earlier.

I didn't want her to feel conflicted as a little Mexipino so I chose her side for her. Luckily, it was the side of the CHAMP! I'm looking forward to collecting my winnings from my husband.

Was that really a fight?

Thanks for the pic Armael.

My Baby's Not for Show

Soluna is a dancer. It started out with a few leg kicks anytime my dad put on Louie Armstrong's "A Kiss to Build a Dream On." Like I wrote earlier, since she was 2 months old Soluna has had mama separation anxiety. She cried and cried and cried when I wasn't there and my parents or Ben's parents would try a million things to get her to relax. But usually, she just cried herself to sleep... until my Dad found a secret weapon: his MP3 player. When he played it for the first time, he thought she was having spasms, because she quieted down immediately and started kicking her legs.

For Mother's Day I asked for an iPod with speakers so that she could use it. And let me tell you... she LOVES music now. Anytime she hears a song she likes she is rocking, shaking her shoulder, throwing her hands in the air and every few days she has a new move thrown into the mix. It is the most beautiful sight to see and makes anyone around put a big smile on their face and usually gets them dancing too.

But there is one thing that we do not want to do as parents (even though we are tempted to now and then so others can smile to). We do NOT want to be those parents that are constantly asking, encouraging, pleading with their kids to perform in front of others. I think that's a recipe for disaster, for passions lost over parents needs to show-off. Usually that's way later, but I bet those kinds of things start when children are just babies. There is something so innocent and beautiful about her dancing that I want to protect it. I don't want to be that parent asking her to "Dance. Dance. Dance." when there is no music on just to show her off or make her into the baby-puppet.

My hope is that Soluna continues to love music and dancing. I hope that she has fun doing it because she loves how it feels and not because we ask her to or because she has made it a priority to impress or entertain other people. I do hope there are opportunities for folks to see her love of dancing, but I'm not going to push her out there for show. You better play some music and start dancing yourself first!

Filipino Arroz Caldo for the family and the baby!

Feeding Soluna food that is healthy and makes her do the yummy-dance while saying "Mmmmmm ... Mmmmm ... Mmmmm" has been one of my greatest challenges as a new mama. The past few months there has been one recipe that has almost always led to the aforementioned positive feedback from our little 11.5 month old. I'd like to share it with y'all because f'real... where can you find ethnic recipes for babies online?!?

Aya's Arroz Caldo Recipe for the Family and the Baby
3 tablespoons of olive oil
2 tablespoons of garlic
2 1-inch slices of ginger
1 diced onion
1.5 cups of uncooked white rice (although you can experiment with brown rice)
10 cups of water
3 lbs of chicken (I prefer breast or drumstick, but you can choose what you want)
Patis or Filipino fish sauce
black pepper
1 chopped green onion
For extra veggies in babies food:
brocolli, carrots, cauliflower - I use a bag of veggies from Trader Joe's
water

Arroz Caldo directions:
In a large pot heat the olive oil. Lightly brown the garlic. Then add in the ginger and onion. Saute until the onion is translucent. Add the rice and saute for a few minutes. Add the water and bring to boil. Reduce the temperature and then add the chicken. Cook for 30 minutes. Add a small amount of patis for taste and a dash of black pepper. *** Set-aside what is for your baby! *** After the set-aside, you may want to add the rest of the patis and much more black pepper until you feel it tastes "right." Serve immediately and garnish bowl with green onion.

Baby's Arroz Caldo directions:
In a very small pot put a few pieces of brocolli, carrots, and cauliflower in about an inch of water. Cover the pot and cook for 10 minutes. When you are done cooking, mash up all the veggies or slice into small pieces depending on the texture your baby is eating at the time. Add as much of this mix into your Arroz Caldo set-aside as you want! Pull apart pieces of the chicken and add to the Arroz Caldo.

There you have it! YUM! Veggies, rice and chicken!

why kids? why now?

A friend of mine asked me a few months back if we could have a discussion on "Why kids? Why now?" He's a fresh youth organizer here in Oakland in a long-term co-habitative relationship, almost 30, and is kind of feeling out this topic.

At the time, it was shortly after Soluna was born and all my mama emotions were on high. I told him the truth. At the time we decided to take a "wait and see"-attitude about pregnancy, we just felt that it could be the right time, that we could be ready to be parents. We were not trying to not be parents. We did very little research. We had no long, drawn out conversations. It just felt right. We left it to fate. And in three months, we were pregnant.

Since my friend asked me this question I've thought about "Why kids? Why now?" a ton. For the most part my friends are nowhere near having kids. And in the past months, I have thought for a minute... Am I missing out on something? Are my parents right and "have kids, and your life is over!"?

Holding Soluna, listening to her giggle and laugh, I know that all these questions seem simple and easy to me in retrospect of actually having a baby.

WHY KIDS? They bring you joy. They make you learn and grow.

WHY NOW? Why not? There will always be advantages and disadvantages of having kids at different ages. When it feels right.. go for it and make it work.

AM I MISSING OUT ON SOMETHING? Probably something, but folks not having kids are missing something too.

IS LIFE OVER? Hell no. That's old school thinking. So much more of life is ahead.

Of course, none of these questions can be answered so easily without having your baby in your arms. Having a baby is always a leap of faith. There is no universal formula for when you should have a baby, why you should have a baby, how much you should be making, how educated you should be, what kind of relationship you should be in... that would be too easy.

At mama/baby yoga classes and at mainstream mama/baby spots in Berkeley and Oakland, I am usually one of the "young" mamas. YES in some communities a 28 year old - almost 29 year old - woman is a young mama. In Ben's family, I seem to be the older first-time mama. It's all good. It's all different.

Now seemed just right for. I've lived enough to know how to take care of myself and live alone, how to handle my finances and pay my bills. I've lived enough to not yearn for time away, time to lose control, time to be selfish. I've travelled alone and with friends, had my mini-adventures and took a lot of pictures to remember. I have gone out all night dancing, drinking, listening to good music... And when it comes down to it I don't feel like I need to escape motherhood. I am more interested in experiencing things with Soluna, taking her to community events, to the mall, to listen to music, to play at the park. And that brings me joy and new adventures.

Once it happens, there is no going back to ponder such questions with regret. Maybe my response is sprinkled with that optimism, but it's my reality and truth as a mama.

Soluna is 11 months old!


What strikes me after re-reading my post is that I have skipped over some much needed critique about some mainstream ideas about when is the right time to have kids. I'll be getting to that later.

the great pretender!

Now that little Ms. Soluna is over 18lbs and 10 months old, she has even more tricks up her sleeve.

1. The Incredible Hulk: The past few weeks Soluna has been doing this thing where she tenses up, squints her eyes and clenches her fists. It's kinda her angry powerful look and she does it whenever anybody does the look to her. It's so cute and weird. We love it.

2. *Cough*Cough*: Soluna has been fighting off a few little colds here and there. Once she had a little cough. And everytime she coughs I look at her immediately with a look of concern and I think she noticed. So every once in awhile now, she fakes a little cough and smiles at me.

3. Sharing is Caring: So why not share? Soluna has been feeding herself for a while, but now she is into feeding others too.

4. Bah-bye: With a wave she sometimes says "Bah-bye!"

My little one is growing up! She is scooting everwhere, pulling herself up to standing, almost cruising, dancing to music, laughing during hide-and-go-seek, playing with her cousins... changes changes. time flies.

YES! I am still voting YES ON MEASURE OO

If you checked out my last post on Measure OO, I got a reply and didn't notice it until now. So I figure I should expand on my stance of Measure OO and reply specifically to dooblgirl's comments that perpetuate some myths about OFCY funding an the Measure. (I hope you read this.)

1. First off, OFCY's after school programs in Oakland aren't always run by 20-something year olds. The ones that I site and know work are run by older folks (although I think age doesn't matter). They just LOOK young, which makes other people immediately biased and ageist. And, although some staff actually have 20-somethings running some of the programming, these are often the people that can connect with youth in a meaningful way and have the energy to keep up with them. They are key to successful youth programs. (Sure, not all programs are ideal, but OFCY has a review process and, if done correctly, can improve programs. And, schools, teachers, students and parents have a responsibility to give feedback to these programs if they are not working.)

2. Yes, there will be cuts and City Council will be responsible for making these cuts. We can't assume what they will be specifically so these signs that you see out there about Voting NO on Measure OO to stop cuts to Parks and Recreation and the Library are misleading. I think the City Council needs to do even some more housecleaning and figure out creative ways of making cuts and leverging more money. And as a sidenote: The Bookmobile and adult literacy programs still have funding even after last week's budget cuts.

What it comes down to is that I believe an investment in youth now at 2.5% of the budget, can, in the longterm, reduce expenses in other areas of the city. For once, can we vote for a larger vision for the city?? We need to invest in programs for teenagers and young twenty-somethings that are facing the worst of the violence in Oakland...And, with the state of OUSD we need programs to help all children and youth. Can we be proactive in creating opportunities for young people?

As an Oakland mama, I have to urge folks to vote Yes on Measure OO. I want the best for youth in Oakland. I hope to live in a city that makes youth a priority.

mama praxis

Having been an ethnic studies student and immersed in some community organizing, I have always been surrounded by folks trying to get out of the Matrix. Good intentioned people, deconstructing the world, questioning capitalism/imperialism/neo-colonialism/colonialism/etc., trying to live their lives in congruency with their politics and values.

This goes along with Paulo Freire or bell hooks' idea of praxis. Praxis in its most simple sense is "action and reflection upon the world in order to change it." In essence folks are, for the most part, committed to thinking/challenging the world around them and living a life that aligns with the world they want to see.

What amazes me, and what we've talked about in my doula class, is how that praxis and reflection often gets lost when (some, not all) mama activists decide to have their babies. No longer do they question the system, the hospitals, the medications they choose to give birth with. Instead, they (we) handover something precious, their (our) voice and vision of how their (our) baby should come into the world. I think that there is a disconnect that needs bridging, especially for mamas of color.

Some statistics on birth:

• Childbirth accounts for one fifth of all health care expenditures in the U.S.

• More than one out of every five babies (22%) is born by cesarean section. This number has not decreased substantially in 10 years, despite the benchmark of 15% set by the Centers for Disease Control in 1990.

• Well over half of all American births involve some kind of surgical or operative procedurecesarean section, episiotomy, vacuum extraction, or forceps.

• Between 1989 and 1997 the use of drugs to start labor (induce) or increase the strength or frequency of contractions (augment) doubled. Induction of labor is associated with an increase in cesarean sections.

• As a matter of course, almost all women under obstetrical care are required to fast during labor, although the data suggest that this practice is unnecessary and can actually make laboring and birth more difficult.

• The average prenatal appointment with an obstetrician lasts less than 10 minutes. With a home-birth midwife, the average prenatal appointment lasts 45-60 minutes.

• In 1999, midwives attended approximately 320,000 births (8% of all births) in hospitals, out-of-hospital birth centers, and private residences.

* Statistics from the movie Born in the USA.

Learning. Growing. Healing.

Lotus Bloom, free fun in Oak-town

Soluna and I had never been to Bushrod Park on 59th Street in Oakland. We had heard about Lotus Bloom from a Colorful Mamas friend and, since she said it was neat AND free, we decided to check it out.

Lotus Bloom is a non-profit organization that works out of four different community centers in Oakland and provides FREE play time Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday for babies (under 5) and their parents/caregivers. So we showed up. They signed us up. Soluna & I had a snack, crawled around, played with water toys, laughed at little kids, listened to story time, sang a few songs.

There were little kids with mohawks, unmatching kids (THE BEST!), grandmas and grandpas using their imagination, breastfeeding toddlers, mamas of color, babies giggling for no particular reason... It was cool, although Soluna was the youngest. We're looking forward to going back and checking out other little ones. Nice to know that there is another FREE resource for mamas trying to cut their expesnses during hard times.

new looks... old skool skills

Faithful readers. I hope you like my new banner. I forget that I still have some graphic design skills in my pocket that I should pull out and dust-off every once in a while. More changes to come... I'm hoping to get my own domain and contemplating moving to a different blog server.

Like I don't have enough other things to do.

"Mmmmm... Mmmmmm... bad"

In looking for more baby food options, I learned that tofu was a great source of protein and very nutritious for babies! I was delighted the past few weeks feeding Soluna tofu. It's SO easy! She LOVES it. She feeds it to herself while saying "Mmmmm...Mmmm...MMmmm". Then, my trusted pre-natal/post-natal yoga intructor sent out this link: The Evidence Against Soy.

Research suggests that the risks associated with tofu outweigh the benefits. Tofu can lead to thyroid problems, cancer, premature puberty/developmental problems, cancer, brain damage, reproductive disorders kidney stones, weakened immune systems, food allergies... And while it seems like EVERYTHING is dangerous for us at this point, tofu seems just too risky for my little Soluna. The research might be right!

pay for play? first reactions to Studio Grow

My car is finally up and running. I took advantage of this because I don't know how long it will last! ... Soluna and I headed to Studio Grow in Berkeley yesterday!

In the past few weeks I decided I am going to start a business or at least get serious about the possibility... I'm thinking of doing some kind of mama/baby business (although Ben keeps insisting beer needs to be involved in some way). Soluna and I are doing our research and hitting up important spots of interest.

Studio Grow is kind of a baby/toddler play club. It's not a sports club, a play club. There are rooms for crawling babies, pretend-play, art, dance, sport-like equipment, a parent lounge, a dining room, etc. Each room offers something unique and stimulating for parents and babies. They also have daily activities like story-time, music and parachute play.

It's an interesting concept. Parents actually pay for themselves ($7/day) and for the baby ($7/day if older than 1 years old) to spend time here. PAY FOR PLAY! There are also monthly memberships. Three major reflection questions came to mind after our visit:

1. What happened to organic community formation? I mean, some of the draw for places like these is that you can go here and meet other moms and their babies. Are people not meeting folks at the grocery store or the playground anymore and inviting folks over to their home?

2. When and who decided it was fine to pay for this kind of stuff?? I am not familiar with this community of mamas who pay for this kind of stuff. I had never HEARD of places like this from family or friends. You have to be a pretty economically advantaged mama to justify the cost of this AND have the time to go here.

3. Where are my mamas of color at?? I don't think I saw one mama of color there, until I looked in the dancing room mirror. Maybe they were at work? Or maybe they have found other spaces.

With all that said. Studio Grow isn't a bad concept. I gotta be real... Soluna had fun here. She played with two other 9 month old babies, crawled all over the place, giggled at the staff and just enjoyed herself. She learned from watching. I don't know if I would consistently pay $7 or $14 for something like this, but I imagine that on some rainy gloomy days on the horizon, we may splurge a little and enjoy.

let her cry?

After all this truth talk...

My suegra does this really annoying thing. She takes Soluna at every family party and usually gets her as far away from me as possible. I think her goal is to get her out of earshot of me, because when I hear her crying, I can't help but go to get her. I listen to Soluna and when she is unhappy, I don't ignore her because she doesn't have words and this is how she communicates. What do you teach babies when you ignore their cries??

Anyhow, Soluna CRIES and CRIES with my suegra. In the past, it was a piercing scream. I would definitely take her back. Why would I allow her to scream like that when she really just wants her mom or dad?

There have been two times when I feel like my suegra was blatantly disrespectful and rude to me or Ben:
There was one baptism at the park where it was kind of windy out. She had Soluna in a blanket and was walking her around (as Soluna cried, although I didn't know it at the time). She brought her somewhat close to me and I saw Soluna crying so I got up. And my suegra basically shot me this grandma look (her nose kinda goes up and it's one look that says you-don't-know-what-you're-doing and i-know-better at the same time) and stormed off with Soluna. I told Ben, not wanting to get in it with her. Eventually Soluna had a meltdown because she was being ignored and not with her mom or dad. My suegra gave her back to us and yelled at us (in front of a bunch of people) about how Soluna was cold and that was why she was crying. Soluna ended up crying inconsolably for over 10 minutes. We both knew it was because she had ignored her cries and insisted that she could take care of her and MAKE her comfortable with her.

The second time was when we were at my sister-in-law's house. Ben was holding Soluna and my mother-in-law carried her and, eventually, carried her away (like downstairs to another apartment where her mom and dad live). She didn't even tell us she was bringing her down there. I don't know how long Soluna was with her because I didn't even know Ben had lost sight of her. He eventually went down there looking and Soluna was crying and crying. His mom told him to just let her cry and gave him that look again. Of course, Benji grabbed her and brought her upstairs.

I think her logic is that we are enabling Soluna to cry like that and we're basicaly LETTING Soluna have a preference for us. She thinks we should ignore her so she can be okay with anyone. This, to me, is totally absurd. I want her to be comfortable with her grandparents, but I am not going to force her to be comfortable. Comfort will come with time, patience and love. I think that when babies cries are ignored they learn that their thoughts, preferences and feelings don't matter. To me, that's worse then having a baby that isn't comfortable with everyone!

Anyhow, I think my suegra is totally missing the mark. I am realizing that Soluna is getting better around lots of people... the people who give her back to me once she's uncomfortable. Instead Soluna is learning that her abeula is the woman who ignores her cries and takes her far away from her mom and dad. While Soluna has become more chill and comfortable with lots of other people, she is still very uncomfortable with my mother-in-law. But that's just my mama observation.

Anyhow, I feel awful right now. Because I'm trying to compromise a little bit and if Soluna is just a little uncomfortable I try to ignore her a bit when she is with her suegra. When I tried to take Soluna back when she was crying today, my suegra turned her arms and was basically like "no"... It can be really tiring to do this and I just feel awful at the end of the day. I mean, to let Soluna cry for no reason so that my suegra is happy?? Anyways, I think we need to finally have a "talk"... the one that I've been asking Ben to initiate for months.

write the truth ... speak the truth

I had initially created my blog for myself. Then I sent the link to my closest friends (and left it in un-chartered internet space). It had been a place for me to share, often vent, all the crazy things that had been happening and all the raw emotions I had been feeling after giving birth. It was healing space. And it was personal. It is interesting what you can put up for the whole world to see (if they can find it), but you wouldn’t want your mom to read… or anyone else very close to you. Sometimes my blog has to do with family members, usually grandparents. Because, grandparents can play an interesting role as they begin to “claim” their grandchildren and your wishes become less of a priority or a non-priority and their ideas of how children should be raised come into play.

A few weeks after getting my blog started, maybe even days after I started my blog, Ben asked if it would be okay to add my blog to his email signature. Ben's reason for sharing my blog was that he liked my writing and thought it should be shared for other mamas. Without thinking it through, I agreed. Shorty after, I added my blog to my Gmail chat away message. I didn’t realize the ramifications of such actions. And then my readership expanded. I know, because I pasted in a Google Analytics counter that can tell me how many people look at my page and where they come from. Then I realized my readership included my sister-in-laws, some old co-workers, some random mamas that I met after Soluna was born… and my writing started to change. I started to be careful about my words, about who I was talking about, about where I was going with things. And my blog stopped being as raw, as healing or as needed for me.

Anyhow, all this pre-writing ... I am challenging myself, regardless of who is reading, to write the raw truth and to move forward as a mama because of how I truly feel. This isn't just truth for truth's sake. I have been passive-agressive about some things as a mama and it's about time that I come out and say things (beyond just this blog) so that this blog isn't just to vent, but to do and to heal. Me, a mama learning as she goes...

Yes on Measure OO

Yes, the City of Oakland is in a financial crisis. Yes, Oakland elected officials have mismanaged the city and the budget. Yes, the City is in the hole about... hmmm... $42.8 MILLION DOLLARS!!

But I am still voting YES ON MEASURE OO. In the most simplest sense, Measure OO would increase the amount of money going into the Oakland Fund for Children and Youth that funds a diverse range of youth programs in the city.

Let me tell you why...

1. CITIZENS SHOULD BE HEARD IN CITY BUDGET MAKING!! There is very little opportunity for citizens to give meaningful input during the budget process or in any city matters. A certain gadfly goes on and on during public comment about the city not properly following the Sunshine Ordinace and Brown Act making City Council and city staff roll their eyes. But there is some truth to his rants. The city's boards and commissions, the vehicles of public input, are poorly organized and have little impact on city matters. So years and years have gone by where we have had to trust the leadership of the City Council and Mayor. (Many years where I feel the City Council has not managed funds well.) The City's Measure process is the only mechanism for voters to tell the city what the priorities should be! AND, youth should definitely be a priority.

2. IT'S COMING FROM THE PEOPLE/ORGANIZATIONS I TRUST!! This initiative is being backed by people that have been doing meaningful work with youth in this town and are seeing results! ...To name a few: AYPAL, Kids First!, Youth Together, Oakland Leaf.. As someone who spent the last three years running a youth program in the Town, I know that these are the folks who are getting things done. So, why not trust the experts and listen to their suggestions on how to be proactive about the problems we face in the city??

3. YOUTH IN OAKLAND NEED THIS! Why not give youth more opportunities to do something positive before they have a chance to do something negative?

This is my choice as a mama in Oakland. Vote YES ON MEASURE OO and let City Council know that they have to make youth a priority AND find a way to make this work fiscally.

oaktown mama: berkeley high school pool tot swim classes

You know you're from Oakland if you jump on all the cool resources Berkeley has for their residents. (F'real. I remember about 1/4 of the Oakland youth in my program were trying to transfer to Berkeley High School.)

On Friday, when I was supposed to be getting some work done, I planned for Benji and Soluna to attend the Parent and Tot Classes at the Berkeley High School pool. I ended up sticking around, watching and wishing I had brought my bathing suit. But, I bet we'll be back to the pool pretty soon.


More info can be found by clicking here.

oaktown mama: baby friendly in our hood

Since my little '96 Honda Civic has been sick for the past few weeks, I've been (for the second time since Soluna was born) totally bound by public transportation and how far my feet can take me carrying Soluna in her Ergo. In my little neighborhood, that has no name but is right where West Oakland meets North Oakland and Emeryville, I have been out to restaurants and, let me tell ya, this is a baby-friendly hood (well, at least some restaurants.) Families, move on in! I don't think being baby-friendly is just about having changing tables and play spaces. There are some folks that naturally welcome babies and others that completely avoid eye contact. Soluna would probably choose a friendly waiter over an available high-chair any day. Here are the top places in my area:

Bakesale Betty: (5098 Telegraph Ave, Oakland) Enjoy the yummy chicken sandwiches, ginger snap cookies and strawberry shortcake on the ironing board tables outside with your little one. Staff is always smiley, offering free cookies and talking to Soluna. The owner has a litle one that's a little older than Soluna so they are use to having little ones around.

Tumble and Tea: (4120 Telegraph Ave, Oakland) Obviously a good choice for babies as mentioned in a previous post. I wouldn't say their staff is friendly to Soluna or other babies for that matter, but it's a great place to eat and chill out while your baby socializes and is excited to see little ones her size. Wireless internet and changing tables available!

Cafe Dejena: (3939 MLK, Oakland) Free wireless internet, pretty good food and very baby-friendly staff. I like their spaghetti, although they warn you that it takes them about 30 minutes to cook. No changing table though.

Manzanita Restaurant: (4001 Linden Ave., Oakland) Macrobiotic vegan food as I mentioned in a previous post. It tastes yummy and is good for a breastfeeding mama. And I don't have to think twice about offering the food on my plate to Soluna. Baby-friendly staff.

Miyozen: (1147 40th Street, Oakland) Can't beat Miyozen. They have a kids play area, pretty good sushi and a staff that seems to be use to having babies around. One employee likes to show me pictures of his little girl who is a few months younger than Soluna. No changing table, but I used the futon in the play area. The waiters also know to place the hot stuff away from Soluna's interested hands.

Lolas say the darndest things!

Alright two posts in a row with my mom in it! I can't help it. The other day I was sitting with my Mom while breastfeeding Soluna. I mentioned how Soluna actually bit me for the first time (yes, she has 5 teeth now!). She kinda dozed off while breastfeeding and her teeth kinda closed down on my breast. I was quick to get her off and she stayed asleep.

My mom then says, "Just wait, if you breastfeed until she's 2 she's going to bite your nipple off!"

I smiled and laughed. I was like, "Mom! That doesn't happen!"

She didn't smile or even seem the least bit relenting on the fact that she was making this up. So I asked her, "WHO? Whose nipple got bitten off?"

She says, "People! Really! It happens."

So I ask again, "Who? Tell me."

She mumbles something about, "People in the Philippines..." and "... just wait, you'll see. You'll see what happens if you breastfeed for that long."

End conversation.

So tonight we went out to dinner with the whole family and I can't help but mention it. My sister, who is a family practice doctor, laughed hysterically. My mom continues to insist and says something like, "Fine! Breastfeed until she's 5! You'll see! We'll check your nipples then."

Damn. And it's funny, but it's also not so funny. I don't know where she's coming from... why she's discouraging me from breastfeeding. (Which in subtle ways, she's been doing since the first few weeks Soluna was born.) I mean, does she really believe she's looking out for the well-being of my nipples?? According to her some of my aunts and other women in the Philippines breastfed their babies until they were 4 or 5. They seem fine, although I haven't done a nipple inspection...

blessed.

Soluna waited until the day after her baptism to start making bigger moves. I like to think that she had to be blessed before feeling ready to move onto the next major world-altering stage. Who could blame her? She's been getting into everything and after picking her up and seeing a bunch of hair, dust and unidentifiable particles on her butt, I realized I need to be better about keeping our wood floors clean.

I am starting to relax so much more as a mama, but not completely. I talked about how I'm not a germ-a-phobe and now I easing up on my original food plans. I am still not a "whatever goes" kinda person and I do hope Soluna and the whole family eats healthier. But, I am more willing to experiment with food options for her hoping that she gets some more Filipino and Mexican food tastes before she turns one. But still a big "no" to junk food and fried food.

It kind of annoyed me though that while I was holding her, her Abuelo felt the need to quickly shove sweets in her mouth so we had no chance to protest. And, I might not have minded so much, but the grandparents feel like they have to "sneak" things to her like she's being deprived.

My mom is constantly frowning at Soluna as I feed her vegetables and says "eeewww... yucky." And, even though Soluna is usually pretty happy eating avocados, my mom insists that she doesn't like it and that I should mix it with milk AND SUGAR. What the heck? When I didn't want to give her fries, she was like, "THAT'S WHAT YOU ATE AS A KID. McDonads and french fries and sweets."... I WAS A FAT KID WHO TOOK LIKE 11 MINUTES TO RUN THE MILE!!! I hope they weren't feeding me McDonald's before I turned 1... I kinda hope Soluna has a healthier start than I did. Seriously, I had hella cup-o-noodles, fried chicken, fried fish, and chicken nugget happy meals.

We also returned 3 boxes of bottles a few weeks ago. Soluna skipped the bottle stage. She's been drinking water from a cup or glass since she was about 6 months or maybe even before then. After I would drink something she would just make a gesture to have me put the glass to her mouth. We've had some spills, but she's pretty good at it.

So besides crawling, eating and drinking... she is also starting to clap more, use her hands so much better, say "mama", "dada" and "papa,"...

Changes... changes...

100% Pinay - 100% Chicana

I think I'm going to get Soluna a little shirt that says this.

Colorful Families

Being one of the first of my friends and my cousins to have a baby has been such a struggle. I've been searching for community and friends with babies who have like interests and politics to connect to on some new level. The ColorfulMamas, listserv/mama's group, has been great. We finally had a Colorful Families BBQ today.

It was a beautiful day with lots of babies, mamas and partners. It was inspiring to talk to mamas who feel like normal 3 months post-partum (it took me way longer to feel normal), who have jumped back to work and are loving it, who are in school getting their JD and hoping to get pregnant again pretty soon, who have made a conscious choice to stay home and take care of their babe as long as possible, etc. They are teachers, writers, administrators, pediatricians, non-profit professionals, organizers. These are women of color, grounded in community and family with an analysis of race, class, gender, etc., who I have a lot to learn from.

It's also nice that Soluna is around a lot of other hapa kids. Everyone seems to be a mix of ethnicities: Mexican/Vietnamese, Mexican/Puerto Rican/African, Corean/French-Algerian, Chinese/Filipino...

Soluna spent the time hanging with her pre-walking homies, Jair and Chencho. She is also very interested in dirt. I was impressed by some of the babies eating skills & their mama menus. I'm going to try to feed Soluna some more stuff. I'm looking forward to many more Colorful get-togethers.

We had our picnic at Roberts Park in Oakland. And I am definitely heading back with the family. There is a great kids playground AND pool.

Germs, Germs, Germs

My mama hormones have calmed down a bit (the hormones that put me in ultra-protective mode 24/7). It happened really gradually and I've learned that I am very far from being a germ-a-phobe. Initially, I felt like Benji and I were washing our hands like 20 times a day. Seriously, we both had rough, dry hands for a few weeks. Now, we truly believe in the 5 second rule... or maybe the 10-30 second rule?? And, I let her put a lot of "interesting" things in her mouth...

So anyways, I finally decided to take Soluna to Tumble and Tea. I had heard that T&T makes your babies sick! A mama friend had said her son had gotten a cold every time they went there. So I had avoided the place even though it is walking distance from my home and, since we don't have nice parks in the area, probably the best bet for baby entertainment.

We had a great time. She played with a few babies her age and was inspired by their advanced mobility. Yeah, she put some toys in her mouth that have probably been in other kids mouths, but that's what babies do! Yes, little babies came up to her with drool hanging out of her mouth. The toys were not pristine. Most of them were pretty battered, but I really don't care and, of course, Soluna didn't notice. Some of the older kids were a little rough, but she didn't get hurt and I wasn't worried. She's sturdy!

I figure our bodies were made to fight germs. Germs can actually be good for you and will help build up your immunity. We've been back to Tumble and Tea 3 times and Soluna has not gotten sick. And, even if she was to get sick, she would be fine and a little bit stronger after the cold subsided.

F'real? Shopping cart covers??

Some excerpts of ads selling these kinda things:

This colorful shopping cart cover for babies and toddlers fits most shopping carts and covers the entire seating area (sides, back, handlebars and front) to offer maximum protection against disease-causing bacteria.

Why? Its padded construction protects against icky, sticky germs on shopping carts, while providing a plush place for your little one to sit!

This shopping cart phenomenon and overprotective parenting is deconstructed in a book I read A Nation of Wimps. I don't completely buy everything in that book, but some of it is pretty dead on.

off topic: "You can't eat your dollar!"

I saw this as an e-mail signature from one of the ColorfulMamas:

After the last tree has been cut down,
And the last river is poisoned,
When the last fish has been caught;
Only then will you find that Money cannot be eaten.
-- Cree Indian philosophy

It made me remember my great-grandparents or, at least, a story my mom always tells me about their life as immigrants in the Mission. Money was always tight and my grandma Bridgette was so excited to see big ripe mangoes at a nearby market, but she didn't buy any. She was surprised that they were $1 each. At the time, and even now, it seemed like a lot of money. But my grandpa Ed told her something like... "You can't eat your dollar!"

This is a conversation that my Mom overheard and retells to us. I guess I've never been stingy or cheap with buying good food. I don't spend a lot on clothes, fancy tech stuff or anything else. But food, food is important. And it so absurd to be trading paper for goods. Money is so weird.

I think the philosophy above says even more about money and food.. About the people, maybe even us, depleting resources faster than we can replenish them. Hoping for more and more dollars, without thought. But what will those dollars do when all resources in the world have been spent?

Archived!

As parents, you always gotta save some "interesting" pictures of your kids growing up to be taken out when they bring over their future SigO. This is one of those pictures:

beautiful windy day

Soluna was baptized yesterday and although I should be totally exhausted and asleep, I woke up two hours ago and have not been able to go back to sleep. So many thoughts are running through my mind. It was a beautiful baptism. I love Father Jason from St. Columba Church. He is a smiley, funny guy who makes everyone feel welcome. I thought it was nice that folks were actually able to speak and talk about the gifts they want to give Soluna: a love of family, confidence in herself, a curiosity for the world, ambition, perseverance, a connection to community, spirituality, passion and compassion. All the things I want for her, I didn't need to say anything. Ben held her as she was being blessed by water. I couldn't squat in my dress to hold her myself. =( But she didn't cry and I got a perfect view of everything. I told myself at that moment to hold that memory, that picture, forever. I almost cried.

Following the ceremony, we had a big party at the park. Dude, I suck at throwing parties. I feel like I am running around with my head chopped off. I think I just feel like I have 100 things to do and maybe it's partly just perception, but it keeps me going and going and going. I realized that after being at the park for, I think, about 4-5 hours I had only eaten 3 tacos and drank 2 small cups of pineapple juice. I drank no water and although there was hella food I just had 3 tacos.

Poor little Soluna was being passed around and around. This is really hard for me and her. Sometimes she is perfectly chill and I am happy to get a break. (Thanks Diana and Lali for dancing with her and pushing her around in the car until she had to share). Other times she just does NOT want to be held by other folks and everyone is trying to grab at her (today it was mostly my aunties). Mamas just KNOW when their babies have had enough. But there was constant pressure to pass her off and sometimes I just let folks know that I needed to change her, feed her, take a picture with her, etc. But other times they were like "give her to me" every 5-30 minutes and I am left to come up with an excuse or if I do give in then, usually, within 5-10 minutes the wind would carry her cries to my ear and I have to grab her back. Sometimes, I'd hear comments here and there about "Why is she crying?" "She doesn't like other people?" "It's going to be hard if she just likes you." ... Dude, she's had a long day and it's windy out.

I don't know where people began to think that it would be the norm for babies to be passed around happily and giggling from person to person. If any adult had to be passed around and stimulated over and over by different people, they would probably cry too. Babies aren't dolls! And, Soluna has her own opinions about things and she'll voice her opinion until she gets what she wants! And, I don't think I should feel bad that she wants her mama. (Anyhow, I digress.)

We came home and, since we didn't take any leftovers, I had to order food from Can't Fail. I asked for a bacon cheeseburger, fries and a shake and nearly stuffed it all down in 10 minutes. And, while I was waiting for Ben to pick up the food I had a HUGE mango and drank the equivalent of 3 bottles of water.

Benji and I did our plus/delta evaluation of the day and I now know why a pizza parlor baptism/birthday seems like a great choice for parents. I am definitely convinced that we are going to have a nice, intimate gathering for Soluna's first birthday. And by intimate, I mean no more than 50 people. Hahaha.

Overall, it was a nice day. I was gratful for all the help from Soluna's new nina, nino, ninang and ninong! And also grateful for all our families have done to help us out. We are very blessed. And Soluna's new life has begun with great blessings and hope for the future.

On this day our little Soluna joins the ocean of life...

Let the water remind us of the waves she may
encounter or create.

Help us to prepare her for the ebb and flow of
life's ever-changing seas.

Teach her to decide when it is wise to float with
the current or swim against the tide.

And lead her to that deep pool of faith, hope, and
love within her own heart.

** A poem from: Baby Blessings

ask a mexican

Benji and I went to go see the writer of "Ask a Mexican" in Berkeley last year when I was super pregnant. This is one of his newest columns in the OC Weekly. I wanted to share.

Why do Mexican parents insist on wrapping their newborn babies in a dozen cobijas in 90-degree heat?
El Chamuco

Dear Demon: Everything is wrapped for Mexicans. Our tamales. Our food inside a tortilla. Ourselves around someone else as we prepare for a cramped trunk ride across the border. Babies get the burrito treatment to protect them from the elements, to transform into a shape better-suited for lugging around, and to ensure the proper crisp their skin needs to achieve that wonderful Mexican mocha-brown.

You can laugh or get mad... whatever you like. We haven't been the best about remembering Soluna's blanket, especially in the summertime. As Benji commented, this may account for her fair skin. heh.

decolonize our breasts: breastmilk vs. formula in the Philippines

For my doula class I have to write a final paper on a topic that interests me: "extended" breastfeeding. I'm already trying to figure out a new term for breastfeeding beyond the age of one because the term extended breatfeeding makes people think that you're going beyond a norm when I think it should be the norm.

Part of my research is to look into breastfeeding practices in the Philippines and I found some interesting statistics on the UNICEF website:

* Out of almost 7 million children (below 5 years old), 87% were ever breastfed. This figure however includes infants whose breastfeeding may have lasted for only one hour, one day, or one week only.

* In fact, nearly 3.4 million children (49%) were given liquid or food other than breastmilk within three days after being born.

* For children below 3 years old at the time of the survey, barely 6% were exclusively breastfed. Bottlefeeding was common for almost half of these children.

* Although 80% of children started breastfeeding within 1 day of birth, 54% were also given any liquid other than breast milk.

* Exclusive breastfeeding lasts only for an average of 24 days.

This is totally different from my original assumptions. I actually thought that breastfeeding WAS the norm in the Philippines and became less common for women who immigrated to the United States.

There has been an ongoing campaign in the Philippines to make breastfeeding more popular. In 2006 the City of Manila, Children for Breastfeeding (an organization that promotes family support for pregnant and breastfeeding mothers) and the Department of Health, with support from UNICEF organized an event where almost 4,000 mothers in the Philippines set a new world record for simultaneous breast-feeding.

Beyond the promotional event, there has also been organizing done to limit the advertisements of formula companies. Nestle, Mead Johnson, Abbot and other milk powder companies spend nearly US$90 million per year in the Philippines on advertising and end up with a sales revenue of around US$470 million. While the Philippines has a National Milk Code that limits the advertisement, promotion or marketing for breast milk substitutes intended particularly in medical offices and by health practicioners, formula companies have been working to challenge the code in court and many health offices are out of compliance. (Yes, one more reason to boycott Nestle!)

Check out this documentary "Formula for Disaster" about how misinformation of breastfeeding and agressive advertising has led to a decline in breastfeding, health problems for babies and an unneeded economic burden for families in the Philippines.

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

All I gotta say is: F*ck Capitalism. Decolonize your boobies and give babies milk! I need to figure out a new FilsGlobe Chant for breastmilk. Any thoughts?

Seriously though, breastfeeding gives babies the healthiest start in life. Why give in to the cultural or marketing pressure to give them less AND pay for it??!

dear blog,

I haven't written because I've been picking-up the pace. I've juggled work, school, home-life and community stuff since I was in college. Tried to keep my calendar full. Moved from one spot to the other every year. But, after having Soluna I knew I needed to slow down. To take a breath. To find myself again, and define myself. And after the rest, I came to a point where what I really needed was movement and activity to figure things out, to heal, to shape who I am as a mama.

So now, I'm ... taking care of Soluna, in a mamas group (sometimes 2), visiting family, working part-time, learning to cook better, cleaning up more around the house (decluttering), re-connecting with friends, studying to be a doula and planning for Soluna's baptism. On the periphery, I'm wondering about my next steps, my next career moves, my next educational moves, and my attempts to re-connect with community (who is my community now?). It seems like just the right time to make some major moves. I mean, I already took the big one: quit my cushy city job.

Soluna has been making moves of her own. She is an expert sitter, scooting unexpectedly in every direction, but not quite intentionally. I am anxious for her to full out crawl and reminding myself that babies do things at their own pace. She is SO there: on her hands and knees, lunging forward, but not quite moving. We've coaxed her with food, toys, and cheers. She'll probably do it when we're not looking. She has also learned, from cousin Cheo, the art of squealing. Nice. And she has become a clapper, and on some occasions a waver. I can't forget to mention that she has one chomper in sight, her top front right tooth.

Is the year going by fast or slow? I can't tell.

Peace.

Mama Aya

little mama

I just had to share these pictures of my little Soluna! She has been super giggly this week.

i have a new husband!!

become a doula?

For the past three months I've been taking a weekend doula class. I've talked very very very little about it to anyone other than my husband. I'm not sure why. So now I'm going to officially speak on it, blog-style, because I need to start talking to y'all about this so that I can figure out if it's right for me.

A few months ago, I was in a space where I felt the urgency to re-adjust my career path. While I value the work that I was doing developing the leadership and civic engagement skills of Oakland youth, Soluna's birth really brought to light the need to find my real life purpose. I was also hoping to have a little more employment flexibility so that I could take care of her myself. At the time, I was thinking about going back to grad school to possibly become a nurse-midwife or get an MBA (with hopes of doing work in socially-responsible businesses or to start a business). Okay, totally different choices, but that's where I was at. I felt my life could go in either direction.

After reconnecting with an old UC Davis friend (after not hearing from her for over a year, I just felt like I HAD to call her), I learned that she was studying to be a midwife. I didn't even know that she was in that line of work and apparently she was a doula for several years before beginning the midwife apprenticeship. I told her about my interest and she highly recommended the doula class I am currently taking that is specifically for women of color. I felt like I had to at least try it out, believing that things always happen for a reason and there was a reason why I needed to connect with her.

For those that don't know, doulas are experienced labor companions that provide the woman and her partner emotional and phsical support throught the entire labor, delivery and postpartum experience. Doula is a Greek word meaning "woman caregiver."

The class has been such an amazing, humbling and emotional experience. I have never been surrounded by such beautiful, strong, grounded and spiritual mamas/women. And while I am still deciding whether or not this is the direction I want to go in, I know that this class was necessary for my growth as a person. I have begun to ask myself the most important questions: Who am I as a mama? What am I doing to make the world a better place? What do I believe in in terms of religion and spirituality? How do I ground myself emotionally and spiritually? How do I heal myself as a mother and woman? What would I rather do than support women through this beautiful rite of passage? What is more important than helping mamas give their babies a right start in life?

Too Posh to Push?

When Soluna, Benji and I went to a wedding a few weeks ago we ran into an old friend from college. One of her first questions was: "Did you have a c-section?"

I was like, "No, but that's a strange question. Why do you ask?"

She went on to tell us that most of her friends in San Jose have ended up with c-sections or actually planned to have c-sections so that they could have a tummy tuck at the same time. It's called a C-tuck!

So after watching "The Business of Being Born" and seeing a small segment of Hollywood stars pictures infering that they had planned c-sections I had to look up more information on how these women chose to bring their babies into the world. And, I found out that the following women planned their c-sections:

Angelina Jolie
Victoria Beckham
Madonna
Kelly Ripa
Claudia Schiffer
Kate Hudson
Britney Spears

Can you imagine?!? No longer is birth a rite of passage, birth is an operation tied to plastic surgery!

teething for real!!

Alright, I'm sleepy. We've been thinking that Soluna has been teething since she was like 2 months old. But now I think it's really happening. We see her swolen, whitish gums. She's constantly biting her hands or trying to put things in her mouth. She's been fussy. She woke up hella times last night. She has a slight fever. She just seems like she's in pain. My toothless baby will soon smile with a new pearly white or two.

brown hippie mama confession #4: i believe in breastfeeding toddlers

(Painting Credit: "Dependent Man" by Samantha Weber. www.samanthaweber.com)

This has been on my mind a lot lately. Most of my family and my husband's family breastfed their babies for less than a year. Most of my mama friends breastfed for a year to a year and a half. Only a handful of my friends breastfed until their babies were 2 years old or even longer.

Here and there I have heard little snips from family that leads me to believe that if a walking, talking Soluna jumps in my lap and I pull up my shirt to give her a snack, I will, mostly likely, raise a few eyebrows, hear a few snickers and, possibly, get a gasp or two.

But now that Soluna is 7 months old, I wonder what we'll do when the time comes. I love our breastfeeding relationship. For the most part, it calms me and her down, gives us time to rest during the day and I enjoy the time I have comforting her. It's not all roses of course and sometimes I wish I had more time in the day to do other things, but I chose to be a mother and want to give her the best start in life that I can possibly give her. It's only in the Americas where extended nursing is rare. Worldwide, children, on average, are breastfed until the age of 4.

Now what are the benefits of breastfeeding after a year?
Breastmilk is still liquid gold for toddlers. It enrichens a toddler's diet by providing protein, fat, energy, vitamins and minerals and passes even more of the mother's immunities. Research shows that toddlers that breastfeed get sick less often and for shorter time periods. And, beyond these kind of nutrition and health reasons, breastfeeding toddlers get comfort and security from breastfeeding. Ultimately, they are well nurtured and their emotional needs are met so that they can be more independent children and adults. (This country is always pushing for independence, which I think is so important for children and young adults. But, why do we push our babies into independence so early?) ... And some research even claims that the longer babies breastfeed the smarter they are! (From Sears & Sear's The Breastfeeding Book and Kellymom.com)

And, the "experts" agree ... (copied from kellymom.com)

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that "Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child... Increased duration of breastfeeding confers significant health and developmental benefits for the child and the mother... There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychologic or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer." (AAP 2005)

A US Surgeon General has stated that it is a lucky baby who continues to nurse until age two. (Novello 1990)

The World Health Organization emphasizes the importance of nursing up to two years of age or beyond (WHO 1992, WHO 2002).

So as Soluna and I grow together, if we continue to breastfeed, I'm going to have to divert criticism and stand my ground. And hopefully, at the least, Soluna will someday learn that it's important to do what you believe is right and meanigful regardless of the attitudes of those around you and the discomfort they might have in your choices... Isn't that how we want to live our lives?

and then they were born...

So I am blogging on the corner of the bed as little Soluna and big Ben are fast asleep. I was woken up by some sly mosquito, but now I can't get back to sleep and I keep thinking about the three new babies of friends and family that have just been born or are in the process of coming into the world today.

My heart is worried for little Amado who I know is having a tough time at this moment and I send all my mama "open" vibes and prayers to help him make his way into the world.

Yesterday, we went to visit little Enrique, Soluna's new cousin, who was born last night by c-section at California Pacific Hospital in San Francisco. (This hospital was once Children's Hospital and is where I was born almost 29 years ago during a scheduled c-section.) His 9 lb+ chubby booty and cheeks were giving his mama a bit of trouble.

And I just read an email from our Salinas friends that their little Pachacutec who decided Monday that it was time, 8 weeks early. His name means "He who changes the world." Beautiful.

Many blessings and prayers for the little baby boys who say "hello" to the world for the first time. I know they are already making their waves.

It feels like I'll be around mamas and babies for a long time.

the business of being born

If you're pregnant or ever even thinking of having a baby in a US hospital I suggest you watch "The Business of Being Born." This past weekend, I watched it with my doula class (more about my doula class later) and then again with Benji. We, in the past few months since Soluna's birth, are now convinced that our next baby will be born at home with a midwife.

Our country has forgotten the most basic question as asked in the movie: "What are the basic needs of women in labor?" Ricki Lake does an amazing job of exploring this question further while weaving in the real birth stories of mothers who choose to birth at home, the science and research supporting home birth and the history of birth in this country.

While Benji and I went into the hospital with every intention of having a natural, drug-free childbirth, the hospital and people there are not ready to support such decisions. (As evidenced by people coming into the room exclaiming, "Oh my god! You didn't have an epidural! You're so calm.") While Soluna was born drug-free, the hospital still had to intervene. I now know, in my heart, that my body had the capacity and strength to birth Soluna without any interventions if I had been given the support I needed. (We needed a doula!) Next time we'll know better.

More about Soluna's birth story in future posts, mama still needs some healing before she can tell it all.

my little baby is growing up!

Part of why I started this blog was to document some of the amazing changes in Soluna during her first few months. In between my rants and raves, I don't always have the space to just share and appreciate my beautiful little baby... To catch us up, here are her top 5 newest accomplishments (She's very advanced. hehe):

#1: SOLUNA CAN SIT! At around 6 months, Soluna started sitting up on her own. Prior to that, we probably didn't sit her up enough for her to get the chance to do this. Because once we started to do this more often she perfected sitting up in a weekends time.

#2: SOLUNA CAN TALK! She has been cooing for quite some time, probably as early as 2 months or so. She would throw in a consonant now and then, but it was only until earlier this month when she really really really started babbling. Prior to this I noticed she started moving her lips in a talking fashion... and then it just clicked... "Dahabaladaklahe!" ... "Mahdalakah!" Awesome! I swear, I thought I heard her say "Mama!" She's starting to talk non-stop!

#3: SOLUNA CAN FEED HERSELF! Alright, Soluna grabs the spoons while I am feeding her and feeds herself! She's very "skilled" at eating. I wonder who she gets this from.

#4: SOLUNA CAN LUNGE AND SCOOT: She's almost mobile! Check out her blog to see her actually scoot on her booty. But now, she's also lunging forward while sitting to grab things and lands on her belly. She kicks her legs, but no official crawl yet... almost.

#5: SOLUNA IS SMILEY! We were starting to worry but the past month or two Soluna is smiling and laughing more and more. I think she was waiting for mama and papi to up their comic routines.

IPotty and other gadgets

Now that I've been a blogger for... a WHOLE month, I've been scouring news sources on articles to discuss. ((TOTAL BLOGGER NERD.))

I found this article, "So young, and so gadgeted" with the picture above in the New York Times. Sigh. In 5 years, 10 years, 20 years... What tech gadgets will Soluna be into? She's already into my laptop and cell phone.

soluna needs to learn to read...

An article came out in the Oakland Tribune today, "A third of Oakland students drop out, data shows." GREAT! Just GREAT!

A few weeks ago, I looked up our area's elementary school. I found out that the school has an API score of 1. No, 1 is not the high score. 1 is the lowest score of 10. When compared to schools with similar demographics, it scored a 3. Bleh. You can find your area school's API score by clicking here.

Now don't think I believe that API scores are a fair or comprehensive way of evaluating the success of a school. I mean the scores are strictly based on student testing and we all know how biased these tests can be. But I do feel that these scores are an indicator of SOMETHING. And, having the lowest Statewide API score is not a good thing.

Soluna needs to learn to read... and then, hopefully, go to college.

I don't want to be one of those parents that have to invest hours and hours and hours of work lobbying to get their kids into the right public school (or investing $$ for private school). I mean, in Oakland, folks sign-up for preschool while their baby is still the size of a contact lense. I don't even want to play that game. But a 1 in 3 chance of dropping out?? Can we, in good conscience, stay here in Oakland and send Soluna to public schools?

In speaking with a good friend who is also a staff member for a local politician about our school dilema, she said, "Well if you start organizing NOW and get involved NOW by the time Soluna starts kindergarten she might have something better!" Soluna is nearly 7 months old! Good God!

We got 5 years to figure this shit out, let the countdown begin.

off-topic: I've lost that baseball fever

Alright after reading my husband's latest post The Wonderful Power of Baseball, I feel like I have to respond or at least share... how I, the-biggest-baseball-nerd-of-the-world's wife, have lost that baseball fever. (Okay, I'm a little off-topic on my usual mama-ology rants, but bare with me. This just needed to be written.)

OKAY, I USE TO LOVE BASEBALL. And, despite all my husband's efforts to devalue my childhood love of the game by saying I jumped on the A's bandwagon when they were hot, as a kid I would come home every day and turn on the A's game. My Tatang looked like Rickey Henderson. My sister had a flourescent green Jose Canseco t-shirt. We would copy the bash brothers and bump forearms after every home run. I knew all the players. I memorized statistics and collected baseball cards. I even have an autographed Dave Stewart card. I LOVED baseball, especially the Oakland A's.

But man, every season I lose my husband to the game. My love for baseball emerged at a time when I had NOTHING BETTER TO DO, BUT WATCH BASEBALL. As a kid, I had to choose between playing, reading books or watching baseball. And as a kid, baseball is beautiful and is wonderul as my husband mentioned. I got caught up with the side-stories, the nicknames, the thrill of winning.

Now, baseball games are long and often uneventful. There is no clock, as the hubby reminds. So it could go on and on and on... like last night for the All Star game where once again the American League won... but after 15 innings. Baseball teams play way more games per year then any other sport so hours and hours and hours can be spent following each game. So no, when life becomes more complicated, I could choose to do other things. But, because of my husband's love of the game it seems like about 60-70% of my time spent with him there is a game on TV or on the radio that takes up 99% of his attention. Now, I don't need his attention all the time, but when I am mid-sentence explaining my day and he shouts "What the F$@*!"... I have to wait until he cools down after the latest misplay of the Giants, which happens very often, and continue my story.

Amidst the A-Rod & Madonna stories, past the steroids scandals, knowing that these men are making more per year than I will probably make in a lifetime... I have lost my interest in the game. The game is no longer about heroes or triumph stories... for that you could read the paper, or a book, or watch a meaningful movie. Alright... I'm a hater... but someone change my opinion...

brown hippie mama confession #3

Benji says I better not be a tease and actually write some of these brown hippie mama confessions.

In case you missed the first two confessions:
#1: I actually like macrobiotic vegan food and I'd like to see my food and Soluna's food in its original form before eating.

#2: I shop at Berkeley Bowl to get organic produce!

So here goes #3: I've given up on regular deodorants.

There's something about the strong smells of regular deodorants that leads me to believe that all those chemicals aren't supposed to be applied to porous areas of your skin where they can seep into body. I just did a google search and there were a bunch of articles on this including this one. So maybe it's not just me.

But since I knew I would be breastfeeding, I phased out using regular deodorant during my pregnancy. I just didn't feel like rubbing those chemicals onto a part of my body so close to my breasts and close to where my baby eats. I've looked for more natural remedies or organic brands. None of these work. So, I try to shower and bathe more often, but I smell funky sometimes. And, I feel like I sweat more post-partum... *sigh* sacrifices of motherhood.

Now I've never found any articles about deodorant and its link to breast milk, so maybe I'm making this up... but it seems logical to me. If you know of any studies please send them my way.

separation anxiety... diverted, for now.

I didn't get to write in my blog about this earlier but I wanted to share an email I sent to my ColorfulMamas group a few months back:

Hi mamas,

I posted a few months ago about Soluna's separation
anxiety at 2 and a half months. I thought it was a
phase. I pushed back going back to work to be with
her and tested the waters every once in a while to
see if she could stay with my husband or parents for
an hour or two or three. My husband has a great
relationship with her and my parents have been coming
to visit at least once a week since she was born.

Now that she is 5 months, it's still the same. When
I leave her, she is okay for a little while, but then
she cries and cries and cries. It's the kind of cry
where she is gasping for her breath, her face is red
and she has huge tears streaming down her face. She is
loud and the cry seems to scare my parents. She usually
cries herself to sleep in the arms of whoever is caring
for her and whimpers in her sleep. She usually refuses
the bottle. It breaks my heart.

I will be going back to work part-time in about a month.
Any suggestions on how to make this easier on both of us?
Any one with similar experiences?

Aya

Whether it was from Colorful Mamas or from friends, I got all kinds of great advice and/or just words of support about this. Mamas told me their tricks on getting a picky breastfeeder onto the bottle. I heard from mamas who had the exact same problems and how they just had to move forward and deal with it. Mamas shared how they spoke to their babies about how things were going to happen, why they had to go to work and when they would go back and swore that babies somehow understood. Papas told me about how you gotta just let it go. Mamas told me to really appreciate this time since it's just a short phase and before you know it your baby will be jumping out of your arms to play. Parents always say attachment is a good thing.

We made the transition slowly. I encouraged Benji to spend more time with Soluna. I did start trying to explain to her what was happening. I think she's starting to get it. She got more comfortable with Benji weeks ago and...

when I came home on Monday, my parents were smiling & Soluna was smiling and eating peaches. They were having a great time. AND she did her little "happy dance" when she saw me. She kicks her legs a few times and reaches out for me while smiling big! I love it. I'm sure we'll have more days of anxiety in the coming months, but Monday was a really good day. I started part-time work two weeks ago and Soluna has been staying with my parents, my inlaws or my husband. It's usually for a few hours at a time. She has had less and less anxiety and fewer tears.

I better knock on wood and hope that this continues.

happy birthday, love!

As a mama of color, I know we don't always give due props to our partners in life, especially if our partners are men. In figuring out who we are as women, how we want to live in this world and how we want to raise our children, we are left with lots of high... high... high expectations of our men. This can lead to lots of frustration and very little appreciation. I mean, patriarchy doesn't get dismantled overnight, it's a process for everyone. Men don't have the same motherly instincts. And, we just gotta relax a little.

So I want to wish my love, Benji, a very beautiful and happy birthday (on the eve of his day). Thank you for stepping it up these past 6 and a half months and taking this amazing journey with me and our little Soluna. Thank you for striving to be a better papi and partna.

Thank you for...
... rubbing my feet whenever I ask because they are tired from walking or rocking.
... buying me ice-cream, no questions asked.
... dancing with me, even when I say I don't want to.
... cracking jokes, even when I don't feel like laughing and you think you're talking to yourself.
... making Soluna smile bigger and bigger and laugh louder and louder each day.
... the nights when I just couldn't breastfeed any longer, couldn't stay up a minute more and you rocked her and rocked her and held her close without any questions.
... working full-time so that I have the opportunity to stay home more with Soluna.
... believing in me on those days when I don't.
... being unbeliveable supportive throughout my entire labor.
... saying that you wish you had boobs so you can breastfeed Soluna when I'm tired.
... always choosing us, never giving up on us and reminding me that we have no other options but each other.
... encouraging me to continue to have big dreams and actually believing that they are going to happen.
... encouraging all the fads that I bring into my life.
... relaxing into fatherhood and reminding me that I need to do the same.

I love you. Happy 30th Birthday!! ... jajaja... Okay, just kidding... Happy 29th Birthday! To many more years of birthdays, laughter and joy.

I am so lucky.

"Is she sleeping through the night?"

New mamas and papas will always get this question again and again and again: "Is she sleeping through the night?" After reading several baby books, I have learned that sleeping through the night actually means sleeping 5 or more hours straight.

Yes, Soluna sleeps through some nights. Other nights, not so much.

And then comes the biggest sleep training debate: Should you let your baby cry it out? -- For the non-baby savvy, crying it out is leaving your baby in her crib or bassinet awake so that she can self-soothe to sleep. This usually means your baby will cry until she is so tired she will fall asleep and, hopefully, eventually learn how to fall asleep crying less often or not at all. There are versions of the crying out method where you go into the room to check on your baby at different intervals and soothe her for a certain amount of time and then leave again.

Alright, maybe I am a (overly) sensitive mama, but the thought of this breaks my heart. Could I ever leave Soluna crying?? ... NO!

So we have been happily rocking her/brestfeeding her/putting her in the sling to sleep now for ... her entire life. I say happily, but I know that there have been nights we have struggled, when an overly stimulated Soluna has cried and cried in our arms until falling asleep hours later or when she just tossed and turned in bed pulling my nipple with her as she fought off sleep.

I tried some methods from The No Cry Sleep Solution, another book that seems to be recommended by all kinds of mothers. This book is kind of a balance between "attachment parenting" and "crying it out." It offers a way to sleep train babies without mama or baby (or even daddy) tears. Soluna was sleeping at around 9 or 10PM and then waking up around 2-3 times at night and then starting her day at around 7 or 8AM. We thought she might need a little more sleep so we tried some suggestions in the book when Soluna was about 4 and a half months.

The book said that babies are usually ready to sleep at around 6:30-7PM. So we started a night time routine to wind Soluna down which consisted of washing her with a washcloth, changing her diaper, changing her into PJs, and reading her a book. Supposedly this will eventually help cue her for bedtime. I would still have to breastfeed her to sleep and/or my husband would put her into a sling and rock her to sleep. We tried this for over a week and it messed with Soluna's previous sleeping schedule. She was waking up more times at night and was ready to play by 6AM. Which was not fun for mama or papi!

So we asked ourselves one important question: Were things really that bad?

And the answer was... No. We co-sleep, so I didn't really mind waking up as long as I could just roll over, she could eat and we could fall asleep snuggling. I actually liked it. So then, why was it so important for us to get her to sleep earlier? So for now, we're putting sleep training on hold.


Mama Note: I want to say that I am not hating on other choices parents make on how to put their baby to sleep. Parenting is about survival and you do what you need to do to remain sane. These are the decisions we are making as we go.. things might be different in 2 more months, when she is 1 years old or even next week.

our j.w. homies...

So Soluna and I have some Jehovah's Witness friends that come by each week. They are these two sweet, older African American women who caught me at home with Soluna several months ago. They started by coming by every few weeks and now it seems like they come by every week. I don't have the heart to tell them to not bother especially since all they do is ask if we can read a bible verse together and talk about it briefly. I am a practicing Catholic and it has taken me a long time to say that about my religion. I figure, nothing bad can happen from chatting civily to two strangers about the bible. Maybe people should be talking about religion and spirituality more often, especially if you know your beliefs might not match up. And, they seem harmless.

They have totally been peaking my interest lately and probably not in any way they want too. I guess Jehovah's Witnesses believe that something really bad is going to happen to the world soon. They haven't gone into specifics, but they think that things are going to get worse in the world and this darkness will lead to some sort of world-wide transformation and then people will be able to sow their own land, own their own home, be healed from sickness, etc. Now, I LOVE end of the world stories whether in a movie or book. So I am actually excited to hear how this will go down and I am secretly hoping that it has some kind of Octavia Butler flair to it.

And this relates to mama-ology... mostly because religion and spirituality have been creeping into my life in so many different ways since I've been a mother... whether it's a reminder from a friend in email, the new people that have come into my life who have been more outwardly spiritual, or in preparation for Soluna's baptism.

And every day I ask myself: What is it that I really want for little Soluna? What are my hopes for her?... And the most important hope is that she loves and believes in herself and at the same time loves and believes in something greater than herself whether it be family, community or religion/spirituality. All other hopes and dreams are situational.

on a more practical food note...

Today I made my first batches of baby food. I had practically been preparing Soluna's food at each meal. This meant, she ended up eating a lot of avocados. Avocados, I think, are the easiest baby food because all you gotta do is wait until it's ripe, cut it open, scoop the goods out, mash/stir and serve. Avocados are especailly good for healthy baby brain development and my sister says that her Brazilian friends say that it's perfect for fattening babies up!

So anyways, I finally got Soluna's baby food cups in the mail. I made a run to Berkeley Bowl (another hippie mama thing to do) and started making batches of pear and sweet potato baby food. I mean seperately, not together. It was hella easy.

I just steamed the pears (20 minutes) and sweet potatoes (40 minutes). Peeled and cut them up. Popped them into the blender. Pureed them until they were the right consistency. The sweet potatoes needed a little bit of water. And... Tada! Homemade, Super Baby Food. I scooped out the puree into the food cups I bought and popped them into the fridge.

We kept one of the pear cups out for Soluna to try.. not her favorite! I think this might be her first food rejection. But, we're going to try it again in a few days.

gerber vs. homemade baby food

So last weekend as I was mashing avocados at a diner while eating breakfast with my in-laws, my suegra asked why we weren't feeding Soluna Gerber baby food. She said it was made especially for babies. Of course, I didn't know it at the time. Unfortunately, "No habla Espanol!" ... I know, I suck. I really wish that I hadn't made the horrible decision to learn German in high school. Now, I am at a conversational disadvantage. I am reliant on Benji's translations that often come way after the conversation is over, sometimes in the car on the way home, or don't happen at all if he doesn't feel like it or doesn't want me to know what the heck is going on.

In response to the Gerber question, that I was pretty ready to answer, Benji must have mumbled something about how it was cheaper to make homemade food. Which is true, but only part of the reason why we have chosen to make our own food. Okay, not to bust out my Super Baby Food book again, but fresh homemade baby foods will always have fresh ingredients, will not contain extra salt or preservatives and is more food and less water. I found more information on this topic right here.

The other night I dragged Benji to Manzanita Restaurant, which is literally around the corner from our home. It's a macrobiotic vegan spot and I REALLY love it. I forgot how good a plain steamed sweet carrot tasted or how mung beans can be so rich in flavor. We have become so out of touch from the simple pleasures of simple foods. It is so nice and refreshing to have a plate full of food that hasn't been overly spiced or overly processed. My point is... Why can't it be natural to eat less food from boxes and jars? Shouldn't we all be eating more "whole foods" and wouldn't it be nice to see real fruits and vegetables more often? Especially for our littlest ones, isn't it better to go more natural. I think this is how it should be for me and for Soluna... and Benji, if he wants.

Lifestyle changes. God help me, I'm becoming a brown hippie! (More about my hippie-ness later. I have some mama confessions.)

GERBER

VS.
HOMEMADE

okay, neither looks appetizing... but you gotta taste for yourself!

mama rage part II

Benji protests loudly when reading previous post: How was he supposed to know that the purple sling was in our dark bedroom?

Baby wakes up. Starts Crying.

sleepy mama rage

Alright, I have always gone crazy on folks who have woken me up while I'm asleep. That's just who I am. But when you're a mama, no matter how loco you want to get on someone, it's your job, your joy to get up to take care of baby. Now after 6 months of truncated sleep, even though things are relatively "hella better" then the first few weeks when it seemed like we were waking up every hour or less, I think this sleep schedule is playing with my emotions and my body.

After taking care of a somewhat fussy Soluna by myself for 12 hours, as soon as Benji got home I was ready to pass her off. I tried to breastfeed her to sleep and she wanted to play with daddy so he took her into the living room while I was ready for a much needed nap. And I woke up to her whining in the other room. It hadn't even been an hour. I was ready to bite Ben's head off. RAGE MamaAya, watch out!

He swore up and down that she had just started whining, that he had just changed her diaper and she started, but I woke up with the feeling that he had let her whine the entire time I was asleep and I had gotten no rest. I, in my sleeping state, always want to just grab her and put her to my boob so she can doze off. But this didn't work, especially since I spent the time multi-tasking: shooting Benji the "I'm fucking pissed off that I didn't get any sleep and you couldn't take care of the baby for 30 minutes"-look while Soluna drank at my breast, poor thing (Benji and Soluna). I eventually asked him to take her back and he drove her to Can't Fail to pick us up some dinner. When he got home, he put her in the sling (that he didn't want to find during her 30 minutes of whining) and she was asleep. I ended up getting at least an hour and a half of sleep. Now I feel as "refreshed" as ever, if that means anything anymore. Sigh.

gunshots in the distance

It's a little past midnight and I'm sitting in my living room, I just heard gunshots in the distance. A few weeks after Soluna was born, there was a shooting a few houses down from us and we were home to hear it all. This year, there have been 3 recorded murders within a 4 block radius.

Do we really want to raise Soluna in Oakland?

"What's his name?"

Benji and I decided to keep our baby's gender a secret througout our pregnancy. For us, it was one of those few surprises in life. Despite the frustration of relatives who wanted to know what kind of clothes to buy the baby, we enjoyed not knowing. We let them know that our baby boy could rock pink and our baby girl could rock blue, so don't worry about it. We ended up with some very gender neutral colored clothes: green, yellow, brown, beige. Blah.

I appreciate that when Soluna catches the eye of older immigrant Chinese or Japanese women, even if Soluna is wearing pink or a dress, they always ask if she is a boy or girl. Maybe people get frustrated that they ask at all, but to me, it shows me that they come from a culture that doesn't blatantly gender all that kids wear. My cousin, who recently immigrated from the Philippines, told me that it's only in America that baby girl clothes are all pink.

I don't care if Soluna is mistaken for a little baby boy. She's a baby! It doesn't matter. She doesn't seem to care. All she is worried about is having someone to hold her, something to play with, her diaper changed and a lot to eat. She has a lifetime to deal with social gender pressures, why do we have to start now? But the grandmas get offended. "They thought she was a boy *gasp*" ... "She should be wearing dresses." .. And they insist that I must get her ears pierced.

Goodness, relax.

I'm gonna dress Soluna the way I want, for as long as she lets me. And, sometimes I will dress her in "boys" clothes and sometimes she's not even going to match! Take that!

Soluna... rocking the green fit when she was super little:

another mama worry: air quality

I stepped onto our front porch this morning with Soluna in my arms and it smelled like campfire. Somewhere in Northern California there are great big campfires and the bay is definitely seeing, smelling and feeling it in the air. There were several articles in the paper suggesting that the air quality is "unhealthy for sensitive groups." ... I am including little babies in sensitive groups.

But as I officially start my job this week to help fight dirty diesel in the bay area, I know that the air here has never been safe. (We live where West Oakland, meets North Oakland, meets Emeryville.) According to an article published by Urban Habitat Program:

* Average diesel emissions per square mile in West Oakland are more than 90 times greater than average emissions for the rest of California.
* There is seven times more diesel exhaust per person in West Oakland than in Alameda County as a whole.
* Exposure to diesel causes cancer, and may increase the risk of asthma, heart disease and premature death. Asthma is epidemic in West Oakland: children here are seven times more likely to be hospitalized for asthma than the average child in the state of California.
* Recent studies have shown that diesel exhaust does not only make asthma worse, but it may actually cause asthma

This is our home and this is the only place that Benji and I could afford to buy a home with less than a 2 hour daily commute to and from work. I am determined to be good at my job so that we can all breathe easy, including Soluna.