Homebirth

This Monday, when I turned 35 weeks pregnant, Ben and I made a major decision. We decided to have a homebirth. Technically, it's a homebirth, but it'll actually happen at a Birth Center with a midwife that is not a doctor or nurse. We had considered it earlier on in pregnancy, but with finances so tight, I felt it would be the best decision to just have a doula at Kaiser. But, it didn't feel right.

So we had our first appointment with the women at the Sacred Birth Place yesterday. The meeting was 2.5 hours long, longer than ALL the time I have spent with my OBGYN since the beginning of my pregnancy. They asked so many questions about my health, sexuality, my fears, my previous labor, etc. She explained how they were going to do an examination to determine the shape of my pelvis to gain a better idea of what obstacles the baby might have on his/her way out. Who does this anymore?!? It was nice to know that the women doing my prenatal care are also going to be at my labor, something that does not happen at Kaiser. And, Soluna was free to play around with one of the midwives' sons and together they jumped on the bed where I was being examined and "helped." Things feel so much better and I feel even more ready to bring this baby into the world.

the light that fills the world

I think over again my small adventures, my fears.
These small ones that seemed so big.
For all the vital things I had to get and to reach.
And yet there is only one great thing.
The only thing.
To live to see the great day that dawns.
And the light that fills the world."
- Old Inuit song spoken

A little something on this week's episode of True Blood.

do you remember?

Mamas definitely have selective memory. As I barely survive my 1st Trimester with baby #2, I am only remembering now how hard my pregnancy with Soluna was. I imagine mamas were made to forget how crazy sick we get during pregnancy and the pain of labor, so that we continue to have more children. Honestly, I feel horrible. I can't wait until I feel like myself again. I hope that is sometime during this pregnancy and not after our little one is born. I think I was sick for the first 6 months of my pregnancy with Soluna.

No Worries

"No worries. It's okay, mama. I'm here." These are the words I hear from my little 2 year old when I am frantically looking for my keys, when I mention that my stomach hurts, or when someone cuts me off on the freeway and I can barely hold back a few curse words. Sometimes she says these things when I haven't even said anything. I just look a little flustered. I am reminded at how this little one came from me and while we are no longer connected physically via umbilical cord, we are still very much connected.

I'm gonna stare you down!

Soluna attended her second soccer class this week at Mosswood Park and afterwards we took her to the parks playground so she could run out any energy she had left. There were two kids playing in this one area of the playground and Soluna ran toward them ready to play there too. A little boy, a few years older than her, stopped her and said, "No babies allowed" and shut an imaginary door on her. Soluna did not cry. She did not run to mom and dad. Actually, she didn't say a word. She stood her ground and stared him down with the face of a girl who means business. We watched her from afar. It was a good amount of time that she just looked at him... until he unlocked the imaginary door and said, "Okay, babies allowed!"

I would love to know what was being said in her inner-monologue, if she has one yet. But now you know... don't mess with Ms. Soluna. My little girl is learning to defend herself, such an important trait. Next time someone tells me something I don't want to hear, I'm gonna do a Soluna.

"You need new su-sus!"

There is some bittersweet about weaning Soluna. After 2.5 years of breastfeeding, I really believe that she is physically and emotionally healthier and smarter then she would have been without all of mama's milk, time and comfort.

After getting pregnant a few months ago, my body just did not feel right with a toddler at my breast. I was feeling drained, my nipples were sore. I always use to say, "breastfeeding is for the lazy mom like me." Breastfeeding was magic on a crazy day. All I had to do was sit down, hold Soluna in my arms and put her to my breast. She wad eat, sleep, find comfort. But as a pregnant mama, breastfeeding is no longer for the lazy. My body felt more tired, more drained and it was not right for the little one growing inside.

So I started cutting down her breastfeeding time. I told her that I was feeling tired and she was growing up. I explained it was time for her to have less "su-su" (as she calls it). In a few weeks, at night I took her off my breast when she was still awake and had her fall asleep on her. I distracted her from breastfeeding during the day or in the morning. There was a little resistance, but she was ready. She eventually stopped asking for it for a few days and my milk just quickly dried up. No engorgement. She eventually did ask for milk and I hesitantly put her to my breast and asked, "Is there milk?" She exclaimed, "YOU NEED NEW SU-SUs, MAMA!" She also proceeded to ask for a glass of milk, not to drink, but that she though I needed to put my susu into to get milk. What a great idea! I told her that I didn't need new susus, that she had drank all the milk and was a little girl now. I have her a high-five and a big hug.

She still asks for susu and sometimes when she is sleeping, she leans over to grab a nipple. There is something so bittersweet in my baby becoming a little girl. Our relationship is evolving and she is learning to be her own person.

Finding Home in Oakland

I previously wrote about my family's struggles to keep our home. We, like many Americans, made the tough decision to foreclose. And we are in the thick of things right now as we struggle to find an affordable place in Oakland, pack up our things while downsizing and move before the looming "deadline." I've learned some things while slipping down the socio-economic ladder a few notches:

1. An affordable home in Oakland is VERY hard to find, especially with a dog.

2. Making folks with poor credit or low-income pay an extra rental deposit makes no sense. I understand that renters are taking an extra "risk" by renting to those with less desireable financial circumstances, but expecting those folks to pay a larger deposit makes no sense. Instead of that money sitting in the owner's bank account, why not make renters "pay-down" their rent at the beginning? Maybe paying $100-$150 x 12 months upfront would work better then taking away folk's extra emergency money.

3. There are so many things to think about when looking for a new place when you have kids. Here are a few of my dealbreakers: freeway as a front/back yard, dry cleaners or other environmentally hazardous businesses in the vicinity, bars on the windows, un-safe neighborhoods, graffitti in stairwells... Don't all kids have the right to live places without these things?

4. We're not the only ones going through this. Last night we watched "Capitalism: A Love Story" and it was totally a bad idea because we could relate so much, too much.

5. We're still SO lucky. We have family and friends that helped us move and took care of Soluna while we moved. We found an apartment we can afford in a pretty nice neigborhood. We still got a roof over our heads, food in our belly and each other!!

(re)dreaming

On December 23, Soluna turned two. It was a beautiful day, seeing my little toddler enjoy playing with her little friends and cousins. I haven't been writing in this blog lately. I finally got through the holidays, the party planning and am currently working two part-time jobs. But, a lot has been on my mind. There is something very primal, and maybe hormonal, about a mama feeling the need to focus on family and caring for her baby in the first months/years of motherhood and putting career/educational goals aside for a bit. I've really felt that intensely, but now, I feel like I'm waking up and feeling the passion and urgency to move and act on dreams. The funny thing is, I'm still unsure of what those dreams are.

Do I want to re-focus myself on becoming an Ethnic Studies professor that I had wanted about 8 years ago when I started the grad program at SFSU?
Do I enroll myself in a financial planning certificate program and focus my efforts in learning everything I can about socially responsible investing?
Do I "choose" one of my many business venture ideas and really run with it?
Do I just immerse myself more intensely in my current job and gain all the skills I need to run a non-profit organization or at least handle all major operations?
Do I re-visit my previous short-term interest in natural birthing and really see if that's right for me?

So many options seem paralyzing.

I remain inspired by all the personal statements I have been reading from all the hopeful seniors applying for a prestigious university (that will remain nameless, since it's one of my two jobs). High schoolers are working so hard to learn multiple languages, build robots, learn to debate, serve their communities, travel all over the world, assist scientists in real labs... I remember the passion I once had to reach for my dreams, to learn as much as I can, but what do I want to do and what do I want to learn now?

2010 (and my 30s) has to be a year of choices and action.

If not for me, but for Soluna. Because one of my many wishes/dreams for her is to feel passionately about life and learning and to go after her dreams. And the best way to teach her the value of this is to do it myself.

Still growing, learning, moving forward.