let her cry?

After all this truth talk...

My suegra does this really annoying thing. She takes Soluna at every family party and usually gets her as far away from me as possible. I think her goal is to get her out of earshot of me, because when I hear her crying, I can't help but go to get her. I listen to Soluna and when she is unhappy, I don't ignore her because she doesn't have words and this is how she communicates. What do you teach babies when you ignore their cries??

Anyhow, Soluna CRIES and CRIES with my suegra. In the past, it was a piercing scream. I would definitely take her back. Why would I allow her to scream like that when she really just wants her mom or dad?

There have been two times when I feel like my suegra was blatantly disrespectful and rude to me or Ben:
There was one baptism at the park where it was kind of windy out. She had Soluna in a blanket and was walking her around (as Soluna cried, although I didn't know it at the time). She brought her somewhat close to me and I saw Soluna crying so I got up. And my suegra basically shot me this grandma look (her nose kinda goes up and it's one look that says you-don't-know-what-you're-doing and i-know-better at the same time) and stormed off with Soluna. I told Ben, not wanting to get in it with her. Eventually Soluna had a meltdown because she was being ignored and not with her mom or dad. My suegra gave her back to us and yelled at us (in front of a bunch of people) about how Soluna was cold and that was why she was crying. Soluna ended up crying inconsolably for over 10 minutes. We both knew it was because she had ignored her cries and insisted that she could take care of her and MAKE her comfortable with her.

The second time was when we were at my sister-in-law's house. Ben was holding Soluna and my mother-in-law carried her and, eventually, carried her away (like downstairs to another apartment where her mom and dad live). She didn't even tell us she was bringing her down there. I don't know how long Soluna was with her because I didn't even know Ben had lost sight of her. He eventually went down there looking and Soluna was crying and crying. His mom told him to just let her cry and gave him that look again. Of course, Benji grabbed her and brought her upstairs.

I think her logic is that we are enabling Soluna to cry like that and we're basicaly LETTING Soluna have a preference for us. She thinks we should ignore her so she can be okay with anyone. This, to me, is totally absurd. I want her to be comfortable with her grandparents, but I am not going to force her to be comfortable. Comfort will come with time, patience and love. I think that when babies cries are ignored they learn that their thoughts, preferences and feelings don't matter. To me, that's worse then having a baby that isn't comfortable with everyone!

Anyhow, I think my suegra is totally missing the mark. I am realizing that Soluna is getting better around lots of people... the people who give her back to me once she's uncomfortable. Instead Soluna is learning that her abeula is the woman who ignores her cries and takes her far away from her mom and dad. While Soluna has become more chill and comfortable with lots of other people, she is still very uncomfortable with my mother-in-law. But that's just my mama observation.

Anyhow, I feel awful right now. Because I'm trying to compromise a little bit and if Soluna is just a little uncomfortable I try to ignore her a bit when she is with her suegra. When I tried to take Soluna back when she was crying today, my suegra turned her arms and was basically like "no"... It can be really tiring to do this and I just feel awful at the end of the day. I mean, to let Soluna cry for no reason so that my suegra is happy?? Anyways, I think we need to finally have a "talk"... the one that I've been asking Ben to initiate for months.

to pacify or not to pacify?

"Where is her chupon?" My suegra would ask whenever we brought Soluna over. Whether to use or not use a pacifier was one of the most "controversial" baby decisions my husband and I made and it seemed to constantly come up when we visited his parents. We decided not to give Soluna the pacifier for several reasons:

#1: An early introduction to the pacifier could cause nipple confusion. Ouch! And, if Soluna had all her sucking needs satisfied with a pacifier, it could have led to low/no milk production.

#2: We thought: Do you really want your child sucking on a piece of rubber? Or, would you rather comfort her in your arms and at at your breast?

#3: We believe that baby cries are forms of communication. (This is from the Sears' attachment parenting beliefs that I will discuss in a later post.) We wanted her to keep trying to communicate with us and we wanted to keep trying to understand her. We didn't just want to "shut her up" as quick as possible.

We did waver in our stance twice. Once, Soluna was up for hours crying and crying. My nipples were sore and we were exhausted. We gave her the pacifier and she fell alseep after a little while. The second time, we gave in to parental pressures and, thinking that I was going back to work soon, we realized she actually may need to satisfy her sucking needs when I wasn't around. We tried to offer her the pacifier and she continued to push it out of her mouth with her tongue or just let it fall out.

Let me tell you though, we do have a little bit of a whiny baby. She tells you right away if she is uncomfortable, if she is hungry, if she is bored or if she wants to be carried by mom or dad. I am happy that she knows her whines and cries will be heard. This is not to say that I now jump up at her every whimper, but I do listen to her... and hope that in the long term this teaches her something more important. I truly believe that a quiet baby is not necessarily a happy baby. He/she just might be a baby that has learned that his/her communication and wishes are not listened to or important.

The other day Benji tried to cut her nails while I was breastfeeding. What?! She gave him a stern growl and shot him a look of anger. For some parents this would have led to some crazy power struggle. Instead, we knew exactly what she wanted... to eat in peace. Doesn't everybody want this? And she let me cut her nails the next morning, with no problems.