separation anxiety... diverted, for now.

I didn't get to write in my blog about this earlier but I wanted to share an email I sent to my ColorfulMamas group a few months back:

Hi mamas,

I posted a few months ago about Soluna's separation
anxiety at 2 and a half months. I thought it was a
phase. I pushed back going back to work to be with
her and tested the waters every once in a while to
see if she could stay with my husband or parents for
an hour or two or three. My husband has a great
relationship with her and my parents have been coming
to visit at least once a week since she was born.

Now that she is 5 months, it's still the same. When
I leave her, she is okay for a little while, but then
she cries and cries and cries. It's the kind of cry
where she is gasping for her breath, her face is red
and she has huge tears streaming down her face. She is
loud and the cry seems to scare my parents. She usually
cries herself to sleep in the arms of whoever is caring
for her and whimpers in her sleep. She usually refuses
the bottle. It breaks my heart.

I will be going back to work part-time in about a month.
Any suggestions on how to make this easier on both of us?
Any one with similar experiences?

Aya

Whether it was from Colorful Mamas or from friends, I got all kinds of great advice and/or just words of support about this. Mamas told me their tricks on getting a picky breastfeeder onto the bottle. I heard from mamas who had the exact same problems and how they just had to move forward and deal with it. Mamas shared how they spoke to their babies about how things were going to happen, why they had to go to work and when they would go back and swore that babies somehow understood. Papas told me about how you gotta just let it go. Mamas told me to really appreciate this time since it's just a short phase and before you know it your baby will be jumping out of your arms to play. Parents always say attachment is a good thing.

We made the transition slowly. I encouraged Benji to spend more time with Soluna. I did start trying to explain to her what was happening. I think she's starting to get it. She got more comfortable with Benji weeks ago and...

when I came home on Monday, my parents were smiling & Soluna was smiling and eating peaches. They were having a great time. AND she did her little "happy dance" when she saw me. She kicks her legs a few times and reaches out for me while smiling big! I love it. I'm sure we'll have more days of anxiety in the coming months, but Monday was a really good day. I started part-time work two weeks ago and Soluna has been staying with my parents, my inlaws or my husband. It's usually for a few hours at a time. She has had less and less anxiety and fewer tears.

I better knock on wood and hope that this continues.

the next chapter...

Today was my last day with the Town's Youth Advisory Commission and Soluna's 6 month birthday. I've been working for the Commission for almost 3 years all with the hope of having the city value the voice of young people in public policy making. I worked with the resources given, pushed through bureaucracies and played the political game. The youth are continuing to learn and grow. The city is opening doors. I feel like I am leaving the Commission in a better place. I have learned so much. And now a new chapter begins, after working with young people since I was a young person (nearly a decade).

Here is a picture of the Commission after our retreat last summer.

Aren't they a cute bunch!? I am in the front. I was about 6 months pregnant!

I am excited about what life brings me next. And scared about working ... with adults!

$upporting motherhood

On Tuesday, I will begin a new job after 6 months of maternity leave. I know that I am one of the lucky mamas of color in the United States. My City job paid decent disability insurance and I had saved up a few more weeks of sick, vacation and comp days to add to my maternity leave. After all was spent, my husband and I cut our expenses, tightened our belts and spent a few more weeks living off of his income. I was not ready to go back to work and I was still settling into my role as a Mama. Soluna had made us realize the value of raising our own children, especially at a young age. It was something we felt deeply in the months after she was born. And, I have learned to listen to my feelings. 6 weeks, 2 months, 3 months... so much more time is needed for mamas and babies to bond.

But financially we cannot sustain ourselves in this country on one income.

A few weeks ago I started applying for part-time jobs and got a great offer. Benji and I are moving forward having to continue to cut our expenses and change our lifestyle. We are taking about a 20% cut in our combined income. We have a large mortgage payment that use to eat more than 50% of our monthly income. But, raising Soluna ourselves is worth every penny and I will be as crafty and resourceful as possible to continue to make this work. I urge every mother who wants to stay home with their baby to think out of the box and MAKE it happen... although I know that is much easier said than done.

In other countries maternity/paternity leave is valued differently. This chart shows some of the options moms and dads have in other countries.

According to the momsrising.org:
* Having a baby is a leading cause of "poverty spells" in the U.S. -- when income dips below what's needed for basic living expenses.
* In the U.S., 49% of mothers cobble together paid leave following childbirth by using sick days, vacation days, disability leave, and maternity leave.
* 51% of new mothers lack any paid leave -- so some take unpaid leave, some quit, some even lose their jobs.
* The U.S is one of only 4 countries that doesn't offer paid leave to new mothers -- the others are Papua New Guinea, Swaziland, and Lesotho.
* Paid family leave has been shown to reduce infant mortality by as much as 20% (and the U.S. ranks a low 37th of all countries in infant mortality).

"Family values" in this country does not mean that our country values families. The norm is to prioritize profit and work over people and relationships. When did careers become life? And life/family become hobbies?