"What's his name?"

Benji and I decided to keep our baby's gender a secret througout our pregnancy. For us, it was one of those few surprises in life. Despite the frustration of relatives who wanted to know what kind of clothes to buy the baby, we enjoyed not knowing. We let them know that our baby boy could rock pink and our baby girl could rock blue, so don't worry about it. We ended up with some very gender neutral colored clothes: green, yellow, brown, beige. Blah.

I appreciate that when Soluna catches the eye of older immigrant Chinese or Japanese women, even if Soluna is wearing pink or a dress, they always ask if she is a boy or girl. Maybe people get frustrated that they ask at all, but to me, it shows me that they come from a culture that doesn't blatantly gender all that kids wear. My cousin, who recently immigrated from the Philippines, told me that it's only in America that baby girl clothes are all pink.

I don't care if Soluna is mistaken for a little baby boy. She's a baby! It doesn't matter. She doesn't seem to care. All she is worried about is having someone to hold her, something to play with, her diaper changed and a lot to eat. She has a lifetime to deal with social gender pressures, why do we have to start now? But the grandmas get offended. "They thought she was a boy *gasp*" ... "She should be wearing dresses." .. And they insist that I must get her ears pierced.

Goodness, relax.

I'm gonna dress Soluna the way I want, for as long as she lets me. And, sometimes I will dress her in "boys" clothes and sometimes she's not even going to match! Take that!

Soluna... rocking the green fit when she was super little:

another mama worry: air quality

I stepped onto our front porch this morning with Soluna in my arms and it smelled like campfire. Somewhere in Northern California there are great big campfires and the bay is definitely seeing, smelling and feeling it in the air. There were several articles in the paper suggesting that the air quality is "unhealthy for sensitive groups." ... I am including little babies in sensitive groups.

But as I officially start my job this week to help fight dirty diesel in the bay area, I know that the air here has never been safe. (We live where West Oakland, meets North Oakland, meets Emeryville.) According to an article published by Urban Habitat Program:

* Average diesel emissions per square mile in West Oakland are more than 90 times greater than average emissions for the rest of California.
* There is seven times more diesel exhaust per person in West Oakland than in Alameda County as a whole.
* Exposure to diesel causes cancer, and may increase the risk of asthma, heart disease and premature death. Asthma is epidemic in West Oakland: children here are seven times more likely to be hospitalized for asthma than the average child in the state of California.
* Recent studies have shown that diesel exhaust does not only make asthma worse, but it may actually cause asthma

This is our home and this is the only place that Benji and I could afford to buy a home with less than a 2 hour daily commute to and from work. I am determined to be good at my job so that we can all breathe easy, including Soluna.

blogger mamas of color (re)claiming internet space!

Being that my blog has been alive now for a week, I went googling to find other links to mama of color bloggers. Instead, I found this interesting article, "Mommy & Me: Looking for the Missing Voices in the Burgeoning World of Mom Blogs." Veronica Arreola writes about the exclusivitey of online mama spaces that rarely include women of color or low-income women. She attributes this lack of diversity to the digital divide, little outreach, economic barriers, and the cultural differences between mamas of color and mainstream mamas.

I can see how all of these reasons can lead to lack of participation. During my pregnancy and after Soluna was born, I went searching for books written by mamas of color and found very few. I checked on-line for support sites for mamas of color and found only the Mocha Moms. At the time the site didn't apply to me since I was planning on going back to work full-time. When I went on mainstream mama sites, I didn't always feel like the topics were relevant or spoke to my experiences. Needing to talk to other mamas of color was a necessity and I luckily found a Colorful Mamas group/listserv forming here in the bay. But, we meet on a private listserv or in real spaces rather than throwing out our issues to the internet world. There are topics that come up in our discussions that I don't think any of us would feel comfortable bringing up in spaces where we were on the margins. How do you have frank discussions about how race, class, politics, globalization, immigration, capitalism and culture shape the experiences of mamas and our babes in the unsafe space of the internet?

Hmmm... But I see the need to at least begin talking about these subjects and to connect mamas of color to find mutual support. Where are you at mama of color bloggers?? Maybe we can start our own thing!

If you know any mama of color bloggers, let me know.

this kid can eat...

I was hoping to slowly transition Soluna into eating solid foods, despite grandparental pressure on both sides to give her anything she looked slighty interested in as early as 2 months. (Including Ritz Crackers, which my mama intuition thinks is way to salty for a baby.) Soluna is letting us know she wants solids. She's practically yelling "I'm ready to eat!!" She's mooching off my plate, whiny at any mealtime until we give her a taste, opening her mouth wide when we offer her a spoonful of her starter foods (rice cereal, banana, avocado and sweet potatoes), and grabs the spoon to feed herself.

I love it! Where did she get this love of food?! jajajaja..

I've been reading Super Baby Food, the book that is recommended in most every mama circle I am in. It's definitely thorough, but borderline TMI on food safety. I want to make all Soluna's baby food. But we'll have to wait and see how it goes. My mom wants to make her arroz caldo. Yum! But for some reason, these books don't cover safe baby versions of "ethnic" foods. Hah! I guess we're going to have to trust the experience of grandparents.

Here is a video of Soluna eating her first solids a few weeks ago.

the next chapter...

Today was my last day with the Town's Youth Advisory Commission and Soluna's 6 month birthday. I've been working for the Commission for almost 3 years all with the hope of having the city value the voice of young people in public policy making. I worked with the resources given, pushed through bureaucracies and played the political game. The youth are continuing to learn and grow. The city is opening doors. I feel like I am leaving the Commission in a better place. I have learned so much. And now a new chapter begins, after working with young people since I was a young person (nearly a decade).

Here is a picture of the Commission after our retreat last summer.

Aren't they a cute bunch!? I am in the front. I was about 6 months pregnant!

I am excited about what life brings me next. And scared about working ... with adults!

breastfeeding ain't easy...

I heart breastfeeding. It wasn't always this way. Before Soluna’s birth day, I had taken a breastfeeding class with Kaiser, read through all the paperwork and read all the information provided to me in various baby books. But when Soluna was finally in my arms, I was at a loss of what to do. The nurses tried to prepare me before I left the hospital. I had flat nipples that became sore nipples and then bleeding nipples. I got thrush and plugged ducts. And, throughout the whole process, after each feeding for the first 2 months or so, I seemed to get an unexplained, undiagnosed pain that shot through both breasts.

I bought The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by La Leche League, scoured the internet, attended a La Leche Meeting (where I was surprised to find no Latino women), and I went in to see a Kaiser Lactation Consultant about 6-7 times. Luckily, I had the will to continue and, unfortunately, became a self-proclaimed nipple martyr before I got a hang of things. All of this, I know now, was probably unnecessary. I lacked the proper education and support to prepare me to breastfeed correctly.

After 6 months of breastfeeding, when I hear of mamas who are having trouble breastfeeding, I want to offer some advice and support in all ways that I can. Because once you get a hang of things, looking down at your baby as they drink from your breast is so beautiful. Those days when Soluna looks up at me and smiles as she drinks, I know I have done something good. Here are my top 10 pointers on making breastfeeding work:

#1: The first 6 weeks: breastfeed! breastfeed! breastfeed. Breastfeed on cue, meaning whenever your baby shows signs of hunger and know in advance that this might mean your baby is at your breast 12+ hours a day. Your babies sucking will trigger the production of milk and the awakening of milk producing glands. The more your baby sucks, the more milk you make. The first 6 weeks will establish your ability to have enough milk for the long term.

#2: For at least 6 weeks: Keep the bottles away & keep the pacifier away! Bottles and pacifiers can lead to nipple confusion. Ouch. You want your baby to know how to latch on properly. The use of pacifiers might fool your baby into eating less than he/she needs because he/she may get most sucking needs satisfied in another way.

#3: Keep the formula a way! Mamas always seem to worry that their baby is not getting enough milk, especially when you can't see the amount that they eat. It can be a quick relief to see a baby gobble up a certain number of ounces of formula from the bottle. If you skip a feeding and give formula instead, you are telling your body you need less feedings and your body will respond by producing less milk. Therefore, even if you were producing enough milk, giving formula because you thought you weren't may actually cause the problem you were worried about.... Does that make sense?

#4: Seek expert support! Ask your lactation consultant, midwife or doula to help you if there are any problems. If you are in any pain, don't keep it to yourself. Fix the problem as soon as possible.

#5: Learn your baby's cues and trust yourself. You have incredible mama hormones that will make you more sensitive to your babies needs. Trust your heart and learn your baby. Most babies make very obvious cues when they are hungry: clicking their tongue, opening and closing their mouth, bringing their hands to their mouth. Feed them when they show these early signs of hunger and do not wait until they are crying. It can be more difficult to get your baby to latch properly if they are anxious. Babies will also tell you when they are done eating by delatching or falling aleep and letting the nipple fall out of their mouth.

#6: Know that breastfeeding is not just about feeding your baby, but comforting and socializing with him/her. Enjoy this time with you baby! Babies may cue to you that they are hungry right after they eat. You may think, "She/He's not hungry! I just fed him/her!" Or you might worry that he/she didn't get enough milk. In actuality, the baby might not be hungry, but they are cueing to let you know that they want you and they want to be in your arms. Babies have sucking needs. Do not worry about over-eating. Breastfed babies cannot over-eat and they will change their style of sucking for comfort, for eating or for getting mamas breasts to let-down milk.

#7: Get through the first 6 weeks! Do all you can to get past the sore nipples or early problems. By 6 weeks, you'll probably be lifting your shirt, unclipping your bra and having the baby latch in record time.

#8: Prepare! Prepare! Prepare! Read-up on breastfeeding, take a class and get all breastfeeding supplies before you have your baby. You will need some breastfeeding bras, breast pads and clothes that allow for easy booby access.

#9: Do not listen to moms who had their babies in the 70s or 80s, especially if they were unsuccessful breastfeeding or didn't breastfeed for longer than 6 months. You can get all kinds of wrong information. This is from my experience with my mother-in-law and mom. At the time when they had their kids, formula was just becoming popular and they were fed with so much misinformation on how to properly breastfeed.

#10: Get some support!! Make sure that your husband/partner/friend are there to help you in the early weeks. They can bring you drinks, extra food, a magazine to read, or chat with you while you breastfeed!

BONUS: Don't forget to eat... a lot & well!!

$upporting motherhood

On Tuesday, I will begin a new job after 6 months of maternity leave. I know that I am one of the lucky mamas of color in the United States. My City job paid decent disability insurance and I had saved up a few more weeks of sick, vacation and comp days to add to my maternity leave. After all was spent, my husband and I cut our expenses, tightened our belts and spent a few more weeks living off of his income. I was not ready to go back to work and I was still settling into my role as a Mama. Soluna had made us realize the value of raising our own children, especially at a young age. It was something we felt deeply in the months after she was born. And, I have learned to listen to my feelings. 6 weeks, 2 months, 3 months... so much more time is needed for mamas and babies to bond.

But financially we cannot sustain ourselves in this country on one income.

A few weeks ago I started applying for part-time jobs and got a great offer. Benji and I are moving forward having to continue to cut our expenses and change our lifestyle. We are taking about a 20% cut in our combined income. We have a large mortgage payment that use to eat more than 50% of our monthly income. But, raising Soluna ourselves is worth every penny and I will be as crafty and resourceful as possible to continue to make this work. I urge every mother who wants to stay home with their baby to think out of the box and MAKE it happen... although I know that is much easier said than done.

In other countries maternity/paternity leave is valued differently. This chart shows some of the options moms and dads have in other countries.

According to the momsrising.org:
* Having a baby is a leading cause of "poverty spells" in the U.S. -- when income dips below what's needed for basic living expenses.
* In the U.S., 49% of mothers cobble together paid leave following childbirth by using sick days, vacation days, disability leave, and maternity leave.
* 51% of new mothers lack any paid leave -- so some take unpaid leave, some quit, some even lose their jobs.
* The U.S is one of only 4 countries that doesn't offer paid leave to new mothers -- the others are Papua New Guinea, Swaziland, and Lesotho.
* Paid family leave has been shown to reduce infant mortality by as much as 20% (and the U.S. ranks a low 37th of all countries in infant mortality).

"Family values" in this country does not mean that our country values families. The norm is to prioritize profit and work over people and relationships. When did careers become life? And life/family become hobbies?

decolonize this!... isn't so easy...

When I imagined my baby as a pregnant mama, I saw beautiful dark brown skin, chubby cheeks, leg rolls, "Asian" eyes and deep dimples. That was me as a baby. Growing up my sister and I were bombarded with comments that made us question our very "Filipino" noses, our dark skin color or our weight... I was ready to raise that baby to love her brown skin, to be happy in her own body.

Then beautiful little Luna came into the world with features that I did not expect. Soluna's compliments, especially from my family, have a lot to do with her more "Spanish" features. "She's going to have a high nose! Just wait!" or "She's so cute... so fair-skinned!" ... "Her eyes are so big!"... "What color are her eyes?! They're light!" And I am so confused on how to respond or react to these compliments that have historical thorns -- of(internal) colonialism.

How can I help Soluna find beauty in her own body without having to define beauty the same as our colonizers? How do I re-balance my own views of beauty and realize that it's not as simple as "the darker the berry the sweeter the juice"? And this emphasis on young women's bodies and outward appearence, how do I help Soluna take pride in her body without obsessing over it?

At least I have a little time to figure this out, before she can "really" understand it all.

mama notes

these months i've struggled
to define myself, mama, in words
and all i find are feelings
mixed with history and hope.

bath time is lots of fun...

to pacify or not to pacify?

"Where is her chupon?" My suegra would ask whenever we brought Soluna over. Whether to use or not use a pacifier was one of the most "controversial" baby decisions my husband and I made and it seemed to constantly come up when we visited his parents. We decided not to give Soluna the pacifier for several reasons:

#1: An early introduction to the pacifier could cause nipple confusion. Ouch! And, if Soluna had all her sucking needs satisfied with a pacifier, it could have led to low/no milk production.

#2: We thought: Do you really want your child sucking on a piece of rubber? Or, would you rather comfort her in your arms and at at your breast?

#3: We believe that baby cries are forms of communication. (This is from the Sears' attachment parenting beliefs that I will discuss in a later post.) We wanted her to keep trying to communicate with us and we wanted to keep trying to understand her. We didn't just want to "shut her up" as quick as possible.

We did waver in our stance twice. Once, Soluna was up for hours crying and crying. My nipples were sore and we were exhausted. We gave her the pacifier and she fell alseep after a little while. The second time, we gave in to parental pressures and, thinking that I was going back to work soon, we realized she actually may need to satisfy her sucking needs when I wasn't around. We tried to offer her the pacifier and she continued to push it out of her mouth with her tongue or just let it fall out.

Let me tell you though, we do have a little bit of a whiny baby. She tells you right away if she is uncomfortable, if she is hungry, if she is bored or if she wants to be carried by mom or dad. I am happy that she knows her whines and cries will be heard. This is not to say that I now jump up at her every whimper, but I do listen to her... and hope that in the long term this teaches her something more important. I truly believe that a quiet baby is not necessarily a happy baby. He/she just might be a baby that has learned that his/her communication and wishes are not listened to or important.

The other day Benji tried to cut her nails while I was breastfeeding. What?! She gave him a stern growl and shot him a look of anger. For some parents this would have led to some crazy power struggle. Instead, we knew exactly what she wanted... to eat in peace. Doesn't everybody want this? And she let me cut her nails the next morning, with no problems.

bedsharing rocks... most of the time

When Soluna was tiny, she would sleep next to our bed in her stroller bassinet. Every time she would wake up, we would check her. I would breastfeed or Benji would change her diaper. (We divided the night time responsibilities.) Changing her diaper in the middle of the night was a frequent occurence and brought about the messiest of poop and pee. At this time she would often wait until her diaper was open to let out her waste. This, on a rare occassion, would result in projecticle poop. We were both exhausted, getting up every 1-3 hours each night. Plus, I just wanted her closer to me.

After reading some books and reflecting on my childhood, I knew what I wanted to do. In America, they called it co-sleeping or bed sharing. I wonder if there is a Filipino word, or if it's just a practice. I don't know when I started sleeping by myself. I vaguely remember how comforting it felt to sleep in my dad's armpit and how my tatang would rub my back until I dozed off.

I took a poll of my Filipino friends and asked them if they slept with their parents. Many of them had. One of my good friends, the youngest of four siblings, admitted to co-sleeping until she was 13! My cousin had told us about how she wouldn't get out of bed all night with her 1 year old daughter. That she changed her daughter next to her and offer her the breast if she woke up. She said, "It's the Filipino way!" A Filipino co-worker told me to keep them in bed and they'll never want to leave. Okay, I want Soluna to leave when she's older. But, I understood her point, your children become attached. You, as a parent, become attached. Parenting doesn't end at night.

I was convinced that this is what we needed and after some prodding and suggested readings on bed sharing, I had my husband convinced. His only request was to, if it ever came up, make sure folks know that we could still be "intimate." (Real men can still co-sleep.) The transition was smooth. I keep Soluna by my side and she nudges me with her head everytime she gets hungry. I roll over and present her with "the tap," as my husband calls it. She doesn't cry as often, most nights not at all. Benji only has to wake up once a night to change a diaper, if that. We have been co-sleeping, bedsharing now for about 3-4 months. We love it. And we wake up to her smiling and ready to play, happy to be in bed with us.

It is only in the West where babies are put in another room. I wonder if it has to do with class status. As Americans build bigger houses and struggle to keep up with the Jones', is it a status symbol to show others a beautiful nursery and to have a room just for the baby? For babies, it's instinct to want their mother. Would you want to sleep alone or cozy up next to a warm body that will feed and protect you?

Regardless, what mama wouldn't want to wake-up to this?

Yes, she sometimes sleeps with both arms outstretched.

"she's going to be little for a long time."

I had originally decided that I was going to go back to work after two months of maternity leave. This, in retrospect, was a crazy idea. But who I am after Soluna was welcomed into the world is much different than pregnant Aya. I totally thought I was another "working mom" who could juggle everything and have everything: the perfect family, the successful career and a happy dual-income lifestyle. Priorities change and attachment is real. I don't want to miss a thing with my little baby.

Sometime in February or March before I extended my maternity leave, I decided to take a training on boards and commissions. It was supposed to help me transition back to work. I ran into some folks that work for the Mayor's office. A woman that I had worked closely with and I got to talking. She's another woman of color, someone who I thought had somewhat progressive views and grassroots organizing experience. I told her about how I don't feel right leaving my baby just yet and that I was trying to extend my maternity leave. Soluna was still so little. She laughed aloud, "She's going to be little for a long time."

That was my first realization that woman of color was different than mama of color.

As time passed, I extended 2 months to 2.5 months, to 6 months. A few weeks ago I turned in my letter of resignation so that I could work part-time at a job that lets your work part-time from home. Life changes.


I mean, could you really leave this kid at day care?
As the youth commissioners finished my sentence... "I really loved working with y'all and I want to stay ... but..." ... "She's cuter." ... And she's not going to be little for a long time.

"she's so alert!"

In the first few months of life, Soluna got that a lot. "She's so alert!" Actually, she still gets it every once in awhile. It was/is hard for us to keep her in a little cradle hold. Instead, she is content in looking out at the world. I think she had/has good eye sight. They say breastfed babies do have better eyes. But in the first month or so, as my dad carried her in his lap, she followed me across the room. It was well before the books said that she could do such a thing.

She was a very quiet baby, at first. She slept a lot in our arms, in her little bassinet and sometimes in her carseat. Mostly, she was in somebody's arms. Her grandparents, aunts and uncles took turns carrying her when Ben and I got tired. And since I was breastfeeding around the clock, she was in my arms at least every 2 hours... usually more.

After Soluna was born, she had jaundice. She didn't eat one night. I was scared and called the advice nurse at Kaiser to find out what to do. She scolded me, "She's crying because she's starving." Why would anyone say that to a new mom? It was only a few days after Soluna's birth. I was tired, hormonal, scared. I cried and cried. I went in for several appointments with a lactation consultant. Soluna slipped well below her birth weight. I was determined to do things right. I was a mama obsessed. I pushed through horrible breastfeeding pain. Soluna got back to her birth weight in a few days and was well on her way to growing beautiful round cheeks. But I kept wondering if I was breastfeeding right, if she was eating enough, if I was doing something wrong... It took me quite a while to have more confidence in feeding her. It also didn't help that some days Soluna was REALLY hungry and other days she seemed to eat for only a few minutes at a time. I hadn't yet learned to trust her cues and my ability to read them.

i need to write.

I have never itched to write as I do at this moment. It's like each figertip tap gives some kind of release that even conscious breathing and relaxation exercises can not. Mamahood as a woman of color in the United States, a child of immigrants, is not what you read in "What to Expect" books. You can try to fit your experience into any kind of "normal" chapters, but it would not give justice to your instincts as a mother, to your culture and community, or to the political injustices that your family faces. The past 6 months, since Soluna Laya's birth on December 23, 2007, have changed my world profoundly. I have felt life more deeply: beautiful joy, nostalgia, paranoia, sadness, curiosity, self-doubt, clarity, confusion. Each emotion pushing me to learn, to grow, to ask questions, and to become an even better mama. I write to figure this shit out and to remember. These days are precious.



A picture of my little darling during her first few weeks. Babies grow so fast.